Testimony part 1 -bp (Was re: prayer..annie..)

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It may seem that I ramble sometimes in the two posts that I am
sending.  Please just bear with it and realize that it is hard to
part with some of what I write.  I did not decloak everything in my
mind at this time since It would surprize you what is actually there
battling constantly.

BP>



I still remember  when I was about 13-14 I guess, I had just started
working as an Candy Striper (volenteer) at the McAlester,Ok.
Hospital.  I got to talking to a couple of older Methodist ladies
that dievated from the traditional trinity that my grandmother had
taught my mom. (I had learned it from them even though I was UPC at
the time.)  But before I go any futher I have studied traditional and
oneness and see no difference between either of them and what I hold
to myself though  now I do not debate it any more.  
 To continue the story, I got to talking to them and since I was new
to the Holy Ghost and studing my scriptures, I ended up converting to
the theme 3 *distinct* people in the Godhead. I debated my father,
sunday school teachers (of which one left after only one term.  He
now pastors an independent oneness church.), and even my pastor's
wife I think.  If not she got wind of what I believed very quickly. 
Bro. Price, my pastor, never said anything if he ever knew.  I guess
the others were defending well enough.  
 But as time went on, I did come about 180 degrees back to oneness. 
But during that time I was very meseriable.  I tried overdosing on
tylonol and anything I could get my hands on except my dad's medicine
which would have killed me.  I guess deep inside I didn't want to
die.  God kept having me get sick and throwing everything up.  My
parents and church to this day still have no idea what hell I went
trough.  I cant even remember all what happened during that time.
  But even though after I came back to the oneness, something else
came up to take it's place.  It was never anything of Doctrine or
personal convictions as we know it.  It was something that warred in
my mind.  I backslided spiritually and have really never quite
regained what I had with God.  Even as I am typing this, It still
rages on and on.  It how I view a certain *someones* (Not a typo).  
{I am not going to go any futher in explaining this unless my fingers
type it out as I just write this.}
  I think about it constantly no matter what I am doing. Even in the
church when I am on the keyboard playing for church.  THe senarios of
it is always constantly on my mind.  How to play it out, Etc... . I
can't concentrate as well on things as I used to which sort of
explains my last accident with my mom's miaita.  It has been during
this time that more half hearted attempts of suicide has come out and
the thought greater and greater.  sometimes I get my father's WWII
polish pistol and put it to my head or mouth,But cant find the
stupidity to pull the triger.  I keep seeing myself going headlong
into a semi or a train.  Other senarios come into my head that I wont
go into at this time.  I don't know how exactly to spell it out since
I don't remember everything.  Though what I have written hints at a
lot, believe me there is a lot more that I know is there, I just
can't access it (just like my stuborn school computer! *sad smile*). 
I have hardly been able to talk to anyone about what has happened.  A
few old friends and an ex girlfriend from my church knows what has
truely happened.  Others may suspect from time to time, but they
never even have seen the surface.  
 (I will continue in another post.)

Brandon Parker  (aka. marlon Desmond)
east central University
Ada, Ok.