Warning Labels Joke For The Day
Tyler Nally (tnally@csci.csc.com)
Mon, 22 Apr 96 14:28:25 CDT
Greetings Saints in Jesus Name!
Warning labels..... warning labels... warning labels.... everybody has seen
them... real and ridiculous of all sizes shapes and on most all products
anymore. I hope it's worth a couple of nyuk, nyuk's to all of you...
I'll have you all also know that two nyuk, nyuk's were snipped because of
adult nature of it to spare the conscience of the list. One dealt with
a supposed label on Fix-a-Flat and the other supposed label on a package
of cigarettes.
Bro. Tyler
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The Washington Post May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products.
We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard
windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in
Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it
wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat
lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte,
Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home
pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a
flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin
area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen,
Leesburg)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide,
which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg
Sullivan, Potomac)
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer
will replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a
total of $ 4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political
figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what
are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No
meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an
image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax
the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they
appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last:
On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.
(Joseph Romm, Washington).
_________________________________________________________________
This is a REAL warning label sent to me by Rik Zak
(zakr@cadvision.com):
Seen on a spray can: WARNING: Death may occur without warning!