how to win an argument

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I know that I could never compete with Br. Tyler's patented "nyuk, nyuk" jokes 
(which always make me laugh), but I thought the list might get a few chuckles 
from this little how-to article I found on the web. Enjoy!


>     ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> 
>  How to Win Arguments
> 
>  I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
>  argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
>  steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great
>  respect, they don't even invite me.  You too can win arguments.
>  Simply follow these rules:
> 
>          * Drink Liquor.
> 
>  Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
>  on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.  If you're
>  drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
>  back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls
>  your date.  But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover
>  you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.  You'll be a WEALTH
>  of information.  You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights
>  and possibly upsetting furniture.  People will be impressed.  Some
>  may leave the room.
> 
>          * Make things up.
> 
>  Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
>  Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that
>  YOU are underpaid, and you're darned if you're going to let a bunch
>  of Peruvians be better off.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
>  underpaid."  Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
>  adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is
>  $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
> 
>          NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
> 
>  If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT
>  up, too.  Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study
>  for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.  Didn't you read it?"
>  Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left
>  your soiled underwear in my bath house."
> 
>          * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
> 
>          Memorize this list:
> 
>                  Let me put it this way
>                  In terms of
>                  Vis-a-vis
>                  Per se
>                  As it were
>                  Qua
>                  So to speak
> 
>  You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
>  "e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
>  not."
> 
>  Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to say:
> 
>  "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
>  have enough money."
> 
>  You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you
>  say: "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
>  Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often,
>  so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were.
>  Q.E.D."
> 
>  Only a fool would challenge that statement.
> 
>          * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
> 
>  You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back
>  at your opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:
> 
>          You're begging the question.
>          You're being defensive.
>          Don't compare apples and oranges.
>          What are your parameters?
> 
>  This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than
>  mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
> 
>  Here's how to use your comebacks:
> 
>          You say                 As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
>          Your opponents says     Lincoln died in 1865.
>          You say                 You're begging the question.
> 
>                               OR
> 
>          You say                 Liberians, like most Asians...
>          Your opponents says     Liberia is in Africa.
>          You say                 You're being defensive.
> 
>          * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
> 
>  This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
>  right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:
>  "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or
>  "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
> 
>  So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do not try to
>  pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note that the preceding was SATIRE only: DON'T TRY ANY OF THIS IT HOME, KIDS!! 
:)


Charles Ormsbee



"Time flies like an arrow, but Fruit Flies like a banana."

-Groucho Marx