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Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Wed, 20 May 1998 15:02:31
New Elements
In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very
white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements
that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only
morons.
Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes
a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often
called Boron.
Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons,
quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium Nw
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess
magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.
Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion
and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do.
Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and
scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal
concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Days in Every week!!!
There are two days in every week in which we should not worry.
Two days which should be kept from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is Yesterday with its mistakes and cares, --
its faults and blunders, -- its aches and pains. Yesterday has
passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world
cannot bring back yesterday. We can't erase a single word we said.
Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its
possible adversities, -- its burdens, -- its large promise and poor
performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask
of clouds -- but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in
Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day -- Today. Any one can fight the battles of
just one day. It's only when you add the burdens of Yesterday and
Tomorrow that you break down.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." Huhhhhhh?
It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake,
cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a
fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when
a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from
the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute
and WHAM!, a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy
dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another
one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more
since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said,
"Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been
here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do
you doit?" To which the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" The old man asked. Again the boy responded,
"roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look" said the old man, "I can't
understand a word you are saying." So the boy spit into his hand and said
"You have to keep the worms warm!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Workers - Unions - and Jobs:
The Custodians of America were in a hiring frenzy because their work
was really picking up.
The Balloon Makers formed a union because their work was rapidly
expanding.
The Fortune Tellers did not form a union because it became crystal
clear that there was no future in it.
The Magicians were worried and did not form a union because of concern
that their work was just an illusion, and would soon vanish.
The Electricians union took charge and sent the Teamsters Union packing.
(At least that is the current situation due to an alternating view.)
The Icecream Makers discovered that their union had a hiring freeze.
The Meat Packers Union found that government gave them the cold
shoulder.
The Breadmakers could not rise to the occasion and were given an
absolutely raw deal.
War recently broke out among the windows installers association,
causing a real pane... Until they had a major break through that was
a shattering success.
The painters union was all primed for a strike but was rolled right
over by the floor covering union that laid down the law because they
were stretched tight.
The Professional Bowlers Association did go an a major strike, but
were split on the issues.
The Professional Wrestlers wanted to form a union because they felt
they were being pinned by those holding them down, and they did not
want to be counted out...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Boat For Sale:
Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past
Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This
confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he
finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.
"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says
'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is
your old John Deere tractor and combine."
Ole replied "Yup, and de're boat for sale."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I Feel Bad! now I Feel Better! Groannnnnnn!!
**1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that
I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
**2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
**1st man: After the first two, I felt better.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Your presence is a present to the world.
You're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.
Count your blessings, not your troubles.
You'll make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.
Don't put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize.
Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it gets.
Don't take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.
Remember that a little love goes a long way
Remember that a lot...goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
Life's treasures are people...together.
Realize that it's never too late.
Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
Have health and hope and happiness.
Take time to wish upon a star.
And don't ever forget...for even a day...
how very special you are.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Creed to Live by...
Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Do not set your goals by what other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.
~才
Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is
meaningless.
Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past
nor
for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
~才
Do not give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Do not be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
~才
Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love.
The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly.
In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
~才
Do not dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope.
To be without hope is to be without purpose.
~才
Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you
have
been, but also where you are going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Knowing Your Memory. . .You'll . . .Huhhhhh? ? ?
One fine day an older couple was at home, and the wife said to her husband,
"I
got a couple of errands to run, and when I'm done I'm going to stop by
pick us
up a couple of ice cream sundaes. What would you like on yours?"
The husband replied, "I want some hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream, and a
cherry
on top. But you better write that down, because knowing your memory
you'll
forget for sure."
"I will not!" replied the wife indignantly. "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with my memory."
"Suit yourself," said the husband, "but I know you won't get it right."
So
the wife takes off, and after running her errands, she had
completely
forgotton about the sundaes and came home with a couple of deli
sandwiches
instead. When she got home and her husband looked at the
sandwiches he
exclaimed, "I knew it! I just knew you wouldn't get it right.
I explicitly
told you that I didn't want any mustard or tomatoes on mine!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
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