The optimist and the pessimist ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Fri, 22 May 1998 11:46:28
THE OPTIMIST AND THE NON-OPTIMIST
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist (a non-optimist)
sees only the worst.
An optimist finds the positive inthe negative, and a pessimist can only
find the negative in the
positive. Let me illistrate what I mean . . .
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended
when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrive a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends
would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of
his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a
duck fell. the dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however,
did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home
the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new
dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Sandra was on her deathbed, with her husband Burt at her side. He held her
cold hand as his silent tears streamed down his face.
"Burt," she said, weakly.
"Hush," he interrupted. "Don't talk." But she insisted.
"Burt," she continued. "I have something to confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Burt. "It's all right.
Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Burt, that I have been
unfaithful to you."
Burt stroked her hand. "Now, Sandra, don't be concerned. I know all about
it," he sobbed.
"You do?" she gasped.
"Sure. Why else would I poison you?"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of
bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change
my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write
the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield againstwinter
chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into publiccoffers to
comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
2. How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee
(and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can
get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine
for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it
to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
3. Where Dogs Fall Short
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you
take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Things That Make You Want To Scream!
*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to
find an address.....
*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.....
*It's bad enough that you step in dog doodoo, but you don't realize it
till you walk across your living room rug.....
*There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.....
*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came....
*You slice your tongue licking an envelope...
*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a
reading...
*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire
laundry comes out covered with lint.....
*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian
finish crossing.....
*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with
your filling.....
*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am....
*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a
counter just opening up.....
*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary
because you don't know how to spell it.....
*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that
you're just browsing.....
*You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you
can't find it.....
*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash
your head on the way up.....
*You get bumped off of AOL and can't get reconnected right away..and
you just saw a buddy log-on that you haven't chatted with in a long
while and when you are finally able to log on, they're already gone.....
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Good Old Uncle Sam's Boys in Uniform! The Military
* A lot of people wonder how they came up with the design for the
military's camouflage outfits. Easy -- they patterned it after
Army and Marine food.
+++++++++++++++++
* If you think I'm kidding about the food, ask anyone who's ever
been in the Marines or the Army. About the worst punishment you
could be given while in Boot Camp was "seconds" at the Mess Hall.
++++++++++++++++
* Those camouflage outfits are pretty effective though. One solider
fainted while in formation and they couldn't find him for 2 days.
++++++++++++++++
* One recruit found that all of the uniforms he was issued fit him
perfectly. He began to worry that he was deformed.
++++++++++++++
* If you think it's really true that "old soldiers fade away" ask
any of them to put on their old Army uniforms.
++++++++++++++
* The Marine aboard ship was beyond seasick. A Navy Corpsman
said, "Can I get you something ?"
The young Marine replied, "How about an island ?"
+++++++++++++++
* During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was
falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me
say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
++++++++++++++++++++++++
KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last,
which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come
on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace
to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer
as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's
because he really stinks. --Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a
big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave
it out. --Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told
him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our
bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most
of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to
upset him. --Age 10
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set
aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll
have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and
visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and
quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
If I had a second chance…………
I'd stop looking and start seeing,
And treat everyone as a human being.
I'd stop taking and start giving,
Stop hiding and start living.
I'd do more listening and a lot less talking,
Enjoy the world and do more walking.
I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes,
To notice the trees and the beautiful sky.
I'd stop criticizing and show more love,
Be less forgetful and give thanks up above
.
I'd be less angry and swallow my pride,
And share with the world what I have inside.
I'd stop hating and be more kind,
And give a little more of my precious time.
I'd give more encouragement and a lot more praise,
And do a lot less judging for I too have lost my way.
I'd get my priorities in order and straight,
Better now than never Lord, I'm just a bit too late
.
I'd stop hopelessly chasing after the wind,
From this point on a new I begin.
I'd find my way back to the Lord's humble grace,
With a vow never again to lose my place,
I'm changing my life and I've made a stance,
Oh Lord, what I wouldn't give for a second chance.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Time is the best teacher....
Unfortunately it kills all its students!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q. Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A. Because if they lived near the bay...
they would be called bagels.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie-talkie, of course.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BUMPER STICKERS (part 2) (Lots of new ones in here)
- Thank God for the IRS - Without them I'd be stinking rich!
- If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
- Nonconformists are all alike
- Hit me, I need money
- The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere
- My honor student fired your stupid kid
- Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
- Car will explode upon impact
- I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain
to eat vegetables
- Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
- Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check
3 friends, if they are ok, your it
- My other car is a Zamboni
- CAUTION : Driver Singing
- My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
- support mental health or I'll kill you
- Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go
fishing, hunt a dinosaur
- if you can read this, you're in phraser range
- Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition
- If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Don't steal.. The government does not like the competition.
- Women Like Simple Things In Life......Men!
- Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
- Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog
- Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
- When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
- Hang up and drive
- YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
- Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
- Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Meditations That Make You Smile:
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete
stop
on the freeway ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.
Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign
says
'Yield,' not give up!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and
a
droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the
children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At
last she threw
a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed
with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her
three-year-old say
with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My grandson was telling me that he and his three playmates attended
different
churches. Then he added, "It really doesn't matter if we go to
different
churches, does it, Grandma, as long as we're all Republicans?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to
a
restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what
they
wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and
said, "Just
bring them bread and water."
One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"
++++++++++++++++++++++
A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police force.
The
question asked, "If you were driving a police car, alone on a lonely
road at
night, and was being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty
miles an
hour, what would you do?"
The young man answered without a second's thought: "Seventy!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A doctor apologized for keeping an elderly woman waiting so long in his
office.
"That's all right," she said demurely. "I just thought you'd like to treat my
illness while it was in its early stages!"
+++++++++++++++++++
I walked into my six-year-old grandson's room to kiss him good-night and
found
it with wall-to-wall toys, books, and clothing. I asked him, "How can
you live
in such a mess?"
He smiled knowingly and said, "I step like the song we sang in Sunday
school
this morning: "Softly and Tenderly."
+++++++++++++++++++++
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him,
"Now,
Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How
would you
feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you
couldn't
breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was
my
birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"
+++++++++++++++++++++
When asked what she wanted for her birthday, little Sarah said, "One
of
everything, please!"
+++++++++++++++++++++
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers
and
sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
++++++++++++++++++++++
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time
just
before Easter. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir
came down
the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the
little one
started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy
birthday to
you......
+++++++++++++++++++++++
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We
used
to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung
from a
tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the
woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure
wish
I'd gotten th know you sooner!"
++++++++++++++++++++++
"Sir," said the timid employer to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you
for a
raise."
"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."
++++++++++++++++++++++
A woman took her Social Security check to the bank to cash it. although
the
check was plainly marked "Do not fold, staple, or mutilate," she had
rumpled
it considerably. The teller told her, "You should be more careful
with your
checks. The government doesn't like it when you muss them up."
The woman replied, "Well then, we're even. I don't like some of the things
the
government does, either!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how
you
and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.
She
told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
++++++++++++++++++++++
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to
test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She
would
tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think you should
try to figure out some of these yourself!"
++++++++++++++++++++
A ten -year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
quite
knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
grandmother by
asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin
Mary or the King
James Virgin?"
++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready
to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was.
Susie raided her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shal not take the
covers
off thy neighbor's wife."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HELLO OPERATOR...
IS HEAVEN IN THE YELLOW PAGES?
Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down, I need her right away.
Operator can you tell me how to find her in this book?
Is heaven in the yellow part, I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too, at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her, but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please, is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big big words, I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know.
Mommy said when we need help that's where we should go.
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall.
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Monsters Are For Real
On Monday, Billy didn't have his homework
And when the teacher asked him why
He said, "Because a monster ripped it up,
After I told him a lie."
"You know monsters don't exist,
And if you don't turn in your homework
No recess you will get
On Tuesday, Billy had a stomachache
And when the teacher asked him why
He said, "A monster took away my dinner,
even my cherry pie."
"Billy, I've told you once before,
Monsters are not real.
You'll have to wait till lunchtime
Before you get a meal."
On Wednesday, Billy had a bandage,
Which covered his right eye.
When the teacher asked him how it happened,
This was his reply:
"A monster was running after me
When I ran into the door:"
"Billy please," the teacher said,
"I don't want to hear any more."
On Thursday, Billy refused to sit down,
And when the teacher asked him why,
Billy said, "A monster whipped my bottom,
Because I started to cry,"
"Billy, said the teacher, " this is getting out of hand,
And if you continue with these stories,
In the corner you will stand."
On Friday, Billy didn't come to school,
And when the teacher found out why,
She said a little prayer to God
In hopes Billy would survive.
For a monster had beaten Billy
and threatened him with a knife.
Now Billy lay in a hospital bed,
Fighting for his life.
So teachers please remember,
That monsters are for real.
Listen closely to kids stories,
A wounded heart you may heal.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
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