HA! OSHA guidelines .... nyuk, nyuk's

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             OSHA Guidelines for Handling of Humorous Materials

1.  All posts containing humorous, sarcastic, parodical, and/or satirical
passages, or any other post not intended to be taken seriously must be
labeled prominently in the header as follows:

  a.  The Subject header must contain at some point, the string "HA!".

  b.  The Keywords line shall contain a summary of the hazard levels
      present in the post, ranked on a scale of 0-4 in the following
      categories, in the order:  humor, sarcasm, satire:
            0 -- No hazard
            1 -- Slight hazard
            2 -- Moderate hazard
            3 -- Extreme hazard
            4 -- Critical hazard

  c.  The Summary line shall contain any specific notices of hazard as
      required under local and state laws.

  d.  In a satirical or parodical post, a disclaimer should be present
      in the header to avoid confusion.

2.  All humorous, sarcastic, parodical, or satirical remarks within the
body of a post must be clearly labeled as follows:

  a.  Preceded by a clearly-worded warning ten (10) lines in advance.

  b.  Preceded by a clearly-worded warning one (1) line in advance.

  c.  Preceded immediately by not less than three (3) smileys of a
      commonly acceptable variety compliant with Smiley Code paragraph 4,
      subparagraph b.

  d.  Followed immediately by not less than three (3) smileys of a
      commonly acceptable variety compliant with Smiley Code paragraph 4,
      subparagraph b.

3.  Hazards shall be defined as follows:

  a.  No hazard:  Found to contain no more than 1.5 times background
      contamination levels in no less than two (2) independent tests.

  b.  Slight hazard:  Contamination exists in amounts greater than 1.5
      times background levels, yet have been deemed insufficient in
      no less than two (2) independent tests to be capable of bodily
      harm during casual exposure.

  c.  Moderate hazard:  Significant risk of bodily harm due to prolonged
      and/or excessive exposure and/or slight risk of bodily harm due to
      casual exposure, as determined in no less than two (2) independent
      tests.

  d.  Extreme hazard:  Significant risk of bodily harm due to casual
      exposure, as determined in no less than two (2) independent tests.

  e.  Critical hazard:  Significant risk of bodily harm due to ANY
      exposure not compliant with any and all codes pertaining to
      the handling of hazardous materials.

4.  Those posts containing materials deemed critical hazards must not be
handled except by trained personnel in compliance with any and all codes
pertaining to the handling of hazardous materials.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

	Golfing Handicap

Jack, a long-time member of his golf club, said to the Secretary that
he would have to give up his membership.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Jack", said the Secretary, "Why is that?"

"Well, my eyesight is so poor now. I can still hit the ball well enough,
but I can't see where it goes".

"I'm sure we can sort something out.......... I know, we can pair you
with Bill and he can spot for you. He's having problems too, but his
eyesight is still perfect".

The very next day the two golfers started out.

Jack gave the ball a mighty whack and off it soared down the fairway.
"Where did it go, where did it go?" Jack demanded excitedly.

"I can't remember", replied Bill.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A Man is..............

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't got anything on earth to worry 
about, he goes off and gets married.

You know what I did before I married?  Anything I wanted to.  
	**Henny Youngman

When I was young, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. 
Well, I found her-but, alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.  
		**Rodney Dangerfield

I saw my friend other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.  
When I pointed this out to her, she said, "I know, I married the wrong man."

A successful man in one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

I want a man who's kind and understanding.  Is that too much to ask of a
millionaire? 	**Zsa Zsa Gabor

Two people can live cheaply as one.  For  half as long.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about 
nothing-and then they marry him.

Gettin' married's like getting into a tub of hot water.  After you get 
used to it, it ain't so hot.   **Minnie Pearl

By all means, marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  If you get a 
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  **Socrates

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married.  And by then, 
it was too late.

I married the first man I ever kissed.  When I tell my children that, they 
just about throw up.  **Barbara Bush

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.  
	**Benjamin Franklin

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.  **George Burns

Why do men like to marry women who remind them of their mothers? 
Who else would put up with them?

But let a woman in you life
And your serenity is through!
She'll redecorate your home
>From the cellar to the dome;
Then get on the the enthralling 
Fun of overhauling You.

My wife thinks I'm nosy. At least that's what she keeps 
scribbling in her dairy.

My wife is really sentimental.  One Valentine's Day I gave her a ring, 
and to this this day, she has never forgotten those three little words 
that were engraved inside-Made in Taiwan!

My wife dresses to kill.  She cooks the same way. **Henny Youngman

The wife who enjoys being put on a pedastal usually objects to being 
put on a scale.

Happy the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary 
to do it for  him. 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.  **Milton Berle

A wife is a person who can look in the top drawer of a dresser and find a 
man's handerchief that isn't there.

Women are more verbal that men.  That's why when you see an elderly 
couple together, it's always the man who has the hearing aid.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that 
perhaps they're too old to do it.  **Ann Bancroft

The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness and 
kindness, can be trained to do most things.

I can always find my husband, I just follow his trail of dirty clothes.

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is 
talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.  **Bill Cosby

A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust 
him to wash it.

More husbands would leave home if they knew how to pack their own 
suitcases.

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.

My husband says he wants to spend his vacation someplace where he's 
never been before.  I said, "How about the kitchen?"

Women who think of their husbands as angels are widows.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 
About 30 pounds.  **Cindy Garner

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has 
a pot belly and a bald spot.   **Elayne Boosler

In August, my husband and I celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary. 
You know what I finally realized?  If I had killed the man the first time
I thought about it, I'd have been out of jail now.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they 
marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't 
like to interrupt her.

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.  
		**Hubert H. Humphrey.

Adam was lucky. He had no mother-in-law.  **Sholem Aleichem

Be kind to your mother-in-law. Babysitters are expensive.

I sent my mother-in-law a present on Mother's Day-her daughter. 
			**Henny Youngman

The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 
that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something 
you said; after marriage, he will fall asleep before you have finished 
saying it.

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade 
another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Elaine Boosler

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "you're only interested in 
one thing," and you can't remember what it is.   **Milton Berle

All men are mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.  
			**Red Skelton

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

I love being married.....it's so great to find that one special person you 
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

The first part of our marriage was very happy.  But then, on the way 
back from the ceremony......  **Henny Youngman

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband 
gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water 
in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
		**Henny Youngman

Who wears the pants in this house? I do, and I also wash and iron them.
	**Dennis Thatcher, Margaret's husband.

Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and 
then complain that he's not the man she married?

Marriage: a period during which a man finds out what sort of fellow 
his wife would have perferred.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers 
birthdays and the other whom never forgets them.  **Ogden Nash

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The spouse who snores loudest always falls asleep first.

Anniversaries were invented to give husbands a day to forget 
something other than their wive's birthdays.

What's the worst thing you could get on your twenty-fifth wedding 
anniversary? Morning sickness!  **Nan tuckett

Marriage is like a beseiged fortress.  Everyone outside wants to 
get in, and everyone inside wants to get out.

Lady Aster: "If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea."
Churchhill:   "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

In our family, we don't divorce our men-we bury them.  **Ruth Gordon

Aren't they a lovely couple? He's willing to die for her, and she's
willing to let him.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.  **Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight 
with total strangers.

My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside.

I know a fellow who wants to get married, but he can't. He's a pacifist.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.  
  		   **Rita Rudner

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than 
to let him keep her.

My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't 
have a good time.

You may think that my giving advice on marriage is like the captain 
of the Titanic giving lessons on navigation.   **Johnny Carson

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like 
and give her a house.   **Lewis Grizzard

I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, 
I keep his house.   **Zsa Zsa Gabor

Easy divorces have just about put arguing out of business.   **Red Skelton

I'm the only man who has a marriage license made out, 
"to Whom It May Concern."   **Mickey Rooney

Marriage is a lot like the army: everyone complains, but you'd be 
surprised at the large number that re-enlist.   **James Garner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. **Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at
least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.  Actually, it 
is no secret at all.  I am a forgiving woman.  Long ago, I forgave my 
husband for not being Paul Newman.  **Erma Bombeck

	+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Words"

Do you mean the words you say
Once written or said, they don't go away
Some people don't seem to comprehend
Words can stay with you, until the very end

There are the words you say when your mad
Do you mean them, or wish you never had
Then there's the letter you might write in haste
Those words can never be erased

All I am saying simply is this
Words can make life go amiss
Mean the words you say and you write
Stop and think before you recite

Words can be cutting, Words can cause pain
Once they have been said, nothings ever the same
Words can also be comforting and dear
Stop and think if those are words you want to hear

You may try and take them back
But you my as well be looking for a needle, in a haystack
Who ever it was you stated your words too
May never forget those words came from you
Please try and think before you say
Words are words, they never go away
(author unknown)

	++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Mom's Dictionary

**ADULTS: Group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several
hours of talking in small words about topics like "who touched who
first"

**AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained
beets.

**ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a
child- sized creature cleaning up after itself.

**APPLE: Nutritious lunch time dessert which children will trade for
cupcakes.

**BABY: 1.  Dad, when he gets a cold. 2.  Mom's youngest child, even if
he's 42.

**BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom
to be self-cleaning.

**BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be
explained logically.

**BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for 
themselves.

**CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud
off shoes.

**CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always 
winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had 
the most sugar.

**CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love
leftover vegetables.

**COOK: 1.  Act of preparing food for consumption. 2.  Mom's other name.

**COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids
eat dinner.

**DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about
the kids in a different setting.

**DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

**DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a
battle zone.

**DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

**EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

**EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

**EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

**ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
asked to do something.

**"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past
times by children.

**EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can
be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled
butter knife.

**FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

**FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question 
"What's for dinner tonight?"   See "SARCASM"

**FROZEN: 1.  A type of food. 2.  How hades will be when Mom lets her
daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

**GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing
herself.

**GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

**GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

**HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but 
not containing, dirty clothing.

**HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap
and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of
the evening meal.

**HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

**HOMEBREAD BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth 
and the Golden Fleece.

**ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic 
tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting
them back in the freezer empty.

**INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom
has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

**"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

**JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

**JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about 
any occasion, including church and funerals.

**"JEEEEEEEEZ!" : Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can
do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

**JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

**JUNK: Dad's stuff.

**KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goo kids use to drown the dish 
that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning 
just right.

**KISS: Mom medicine.

**LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his
friends do so.

**LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys 
powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and
net a profit of .15 cents.

**LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache
volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a
full-ride scholarship to Harvard. 

**LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"

**MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom
look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

**MAYBE: No.

**MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

**"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

**MUSH:  1.  What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2.  Main
element of Mom's favorite movies.

**NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening
stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army
men and/or doll clothing.

**PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

**OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy
boats, cars and animals. 

**OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of
company.

**OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

**PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean
their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

**PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.

**PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands 
of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse
to play in front of company.

**PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she 
can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a
plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a
teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several
outdated coupons.

**QUIET: A State of household serenity which occurs before the birth 
of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for
college.

**RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in
a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

**REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the
kitchen.

**ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on
a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.  SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic
ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble
through coarse re-enactments of famous historic events.

**SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

**SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped
and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from
the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom 

**SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of
her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

**SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

**SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes
with Grandma.

**SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away
colds, fly and even pneumonia.

**SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a
fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

**TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who 
has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

**TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

**"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's 
good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

**TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

**TROUBLE: Area of non-specific space a child can always be 
sure to be in.

**UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times 
Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually 
gets done.

**UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures
the wearer will never have an accident.

**UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"

**VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only 
to find it there, too.

**VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow
each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be
"Just like Daddy."

**WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with 
every room.

**WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans,
permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads 
of gum.

**"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time 
between crime and punishment.

**XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already 
embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

**XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to
children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing
constantly, over and over, all day long!  See also "DRUMS"

**YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans 
to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last 
minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

**"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was
changed to 12 months.  See also "YAHOO!"

**ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket 
already this week.

**ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
before kids refuse to eat it.

	++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Beauty Aids

A dear old lady was asked what she used to make her
complexion so beautiful and her whole being so bright and
attractive.  She answered:

I use for my lips
 truth;
I use for my voice
 kindness;
I use for my ears
 compassion;
I use for my hands
 charity;
I use for my figure
 uprightness;
I use for my heart
 love;
I use for any who doesn't  like me

	+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Conclusion of The Matter!
	A freshman in college started his first day of classes.  His
 professor was clearly an athiest, and started the day by saying the 
 following:
 
 "Students, is there anyone here who can see God?  If so, raise your hand.
 
 If there is anyone here who can hear God, raise your hand.
 If there is anyone who can smell God, raise your hand."
 
 After a short pause, with no reponse from the students, he
 concluded," Since no one can see, smell or hear God, there is no God. "
 
 A student then raised his hand and asked to address the class.  The
 student approached the class and asked,
 "Students, can anyone here see the professor's brain?
 Can anyone here hear the professor's brain?
 Can anyone here smell the professor's brain?"
  After a short pause, he concluded, "Since no  one can see, hear or 
 smell the professor's brain, I conclude that he has no  brain!

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

  Lord help me to relax about insignificant details
      beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 AM PST.

  Lord help me to consider people's feelings,
      even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

  Lord help me to take responsibility for my own actions,
      even though they're usually NOT my fault.

  Lord, help me to not try to RUN everything.
       But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

  Lord, help me to be more laid back,
       and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

  Lord help me to take things more seriously,
       especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

  Lord give me patience,
       and I mean right NOW!

  Lord help me not be a perfectionist.
       (Did I spell that correctly?)

  Lord, help me to finish everything I sta

  Lord, help me to keep my mind on
       one Th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.

  Lord help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.
       And would you mind putting that in writing?

  Lord keep me open to others' ideas,
       WRONG though they may be.

  Lord help me be less independent,
       but let me do it my way.

  Lord help me follow established procedures today.
       On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

  Lord, help me slow down
       andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
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