Several funnies ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Mon, 25 May 1998 23:00:23 -0500
If I Had A Second Chance
I'd stop looking and start seeing,
And treat everyone as a human being.
I'd stop taking and start giving,
Stop hiding and start living.
I'd do more listening and a lot less talking,
Enjoy the world and do more walking.
I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes,
To notice the trees and the beautiful sky.
I'd stop criticizing and show more love,
Be less forgetful and give thanks up above.
I'd be less angry and swallow my pride,
And share with the world what I have inside.
I'd stop hating and be more kind,
And give a little more of my precious time.
I'd give more encouragement and a lot more praise,
And do a lot less judging for I too have lost my way.
I'd get my priorities in order and straight,
Better now than never Lord, I'm just a bit too late.
I'd stop hopelessly chasing after the wind,
>From this point on a new I begin.
I'd find my way back to the Lord's humble grace,
With a vow never again to lose my place,
I'm changing my life and I've made a stance,
Oh Lord, what I wouldn't give for a second chance.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ponderances to Make you Smile:
**A little girl was reciting in class: "Courtesy is to do something good,
while politeness is not to do something bad. The best way to help your
parents is to
act behavingly.
++++++++++++++++++++
**A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, "Who am I?"
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my
own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
++++++++++++++++++++
**A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class
came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the
principal's office."
"I wonder why," the teacher mused.
"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.
"A what?" the teacher asked.
"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the
office."
+++++++++++++++++++
**Little Ricky opened a large family Bible and gazed in awe at a dried,
pressed leaf. "Look," he said in a hushed voice, "Adam's suit!"
+++++++++++++++++++
**A customer in a pet store was going from cage to cage looking for a parakeet
that could talk. As she stopped at each cage, she said to the parakeet inside,
"If you can talk, say something." Each time the parakeet stared at her in
silence.
Finally, at the last cage, the parakeet replied, "Yeah, I can talk. Can you
fly?"
++++++++++++++++++++++
**The fourth-grade teacher said to her class, "Now students, we're going to
study the Artic regions and the Eskimos. I'm sure you have all studied your
lessons. Rob, what do you know about the Eskimos?"
Rob, who hadn't studied his lesson, answered, "They are famous for their
delicious pies!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++
**A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to
go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
++++++++++++++++++++++++
**A little boy sent a "get well quick" card to his grandfather in the
hospital. Inside the card he wrote, "Dear Grandpa, Mama tells me that you
went to the hospital for some tests. I hope you get an "A! Love, Billy
++++++++++++++++++++++++
**Generally speaking, men and women respond to questions and situations
quite differently........
Ask a man where he got a cake, and he'll tell you, "At the grocery store."
Ask a woman the same question, and she'll ask, "What's the matter with it?"
But ask a woman how she bruised her toe, and she'll say, "I kicked a chair."
Ask a man the same question, and he'll reply , "Somebody left a chair in the
middle of the room!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Words Of Wisdom, In Case We Forget: I've Learnd That.....
**I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The
rest is up to them.
**I've learned that no matter how much I care, some
people just don't care back.
**I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and
only seconds to destroy it.
**I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
**I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15
minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
**I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the
best others can do, but to the best you can do.
**I've learned that it's not what happens to people
that's important. It's what they do about it.
**I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
**I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become
the person I want to be.
**I've learned that it's alot easier to react than it is
to think.
**I've learned that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
**I've learned that you can keep going long after you
think you can't. I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, no matter how we feel.
**I've learned that either you control your attitude or
it controls you.
**I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a
relationship is at first, the passion fades and there
had better be something else to take its place.
**I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has
to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
**I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.
**I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.
**I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping
score.
**I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.
**I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to
kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you
get back up.
**I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my
grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it.
**I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the
right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right
to be cruel.
**I've learned that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
**I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love
you with all they have.
**I've learned that maturity has more to do with what
types of experiences you've had and what you've learned
from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've
celebrated.
**I've learned that you should never tell a child her
dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more
humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she
believed it.
**I've learned that your family won't always be there for
you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related
to can take care of you and love you and teach you to
trust people again. Families aren't biological.
**I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone
is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and
you must forgive them for that.
**I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven
by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive
yourself.
**I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is
broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
**I've learned that our background and circumstances may
have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for
who we become.
**I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm
forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.
**I've learned that just because two people argue, it
doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just
because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
**I've learned that sometimes you have to put the
individual ahead of their actions.
**I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we
understand that friends change.
**I've learned that if you don't want to forget
something, stick it in your under wear drawer.
**I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out
a secret. It could change your life forever.
**I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones
with the most holes in them.
**I've learned that two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different.
**I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your
children, they will eventually get hurt and you will
hurt in the process.
**I've learned that there are many ways of falling and
staying in love.
**I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who
are honest with themselves, get farther in life.
**I've learned that many things can be powered by the
mind, the trick is self-control.
**I've learned that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost
at the times you need them most.
**I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter
of hours by people who don't even know you. *****
**I've learned that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find
the strength to help.
**I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease
emotional pains.
**I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all
that is offered to us.
**I've learned . . . can have many different meaning,
it loses value when overly used.
**I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw
the line between being nice and not hurting people's
feelings and standing up for what you believe.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MAY YOU HAVE.....
**Enough happiness to keep you sweet
**Enough trials to keep you strong
**Enough sorrow to keep you human
**Enough hope to keep you happy
**Enough failure to keep you humble
**Enough success to keep you eager
**Enough friends to give you comfort
**Enough wealth to meet your needs
**Enough enthusiasm to look forward
**Enough faith to banish depression
**Enough determination to make each
day better than yesterday.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century
**Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
**Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
**Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
**Anglican - They were our toys first.
**Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
**Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
**Atheism - There is no toy maker.
**Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
**Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
**Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
**Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go
straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
**B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
**Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
**Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
**Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
**Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
**Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
**Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
**7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
**Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
**Baptist - Once played, always played.
**Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
**Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
**Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
**Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
**Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's
just play with them.
**Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
difference.
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
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