Irony ... ooh, ooh's and nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Tue, 26 May 1998 00:04:12 -0500
Oh, the irony of it all !
1. The average cost of rehabilitating one seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. One minute later, the cheering suddenly
stopped and the crowd watched while both seals were eaten by a killer
whale.
2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in
order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her
mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours
short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend
had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking
his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his
Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've
guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"Truth is our most valuable commodity - let us economize."
-- Mark Twain
"Youth is wasted on the young."
-- George Bernard Shaw
"Science is not about control. It is about cultivating a
perpetual sense of wonder in the face of something that
forever grows one step richer and subtler than our latest
theory about it. It is about reverance, not mastery."
-- Richard Powers from the Gold Bug Variations
"Don't ever let it get the best of you -
plan what you can - let the rest shine through.
Just so many angles you can possibly see,
got to figure on those - let the other ones be."
-- Robert Hunter
"Things always seem darkest just before the bottom
drops out." -- Arthur Lifshin
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time -
I think I've forgotten this before." -- Stephen Wright
"Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered."
-- Woody Allen
"Never put off until tomorrow that which can be done the day
after tomorrow." -- Mark Twain
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." -- Yogi Berra
"Life is complex: part real, part imaginary."
Be different - Conform!
"Abandon all hope, ye who press enter here."
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a
source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect
it." --gene spafford, 1992
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death
your right to say it." -- Voltaire
Real musicians don't die, they just decompose.
"There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference,
and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this
to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably
cool. "
Just a bit of pre-Memorial Day IBM humor. About 1978, IBM put out
a poster touting the virtues of VM. On this poster was the text:
If it's there and you can see it -- it's real
If it's not there and you can see it -- it's virtual
If it's there and you can't see it -- it's transparent
If it's not there and you can't see it -- you erased it!
"He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during
thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting 'All the Gods are
bastards'" -- Terry Pratchett
Definition of Foreign Aid:
"The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries
to rich people in poor countries" ---Unknown, probably dead...
If morons could fly, it'd be pitch black
"We need not to think alike to be alike"
I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore,
and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble
or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of
truth lay all undiscovered before me." - Sir Isaac Newton
Not only does the English Language borrow words from other
languages it sometimes chases them down dark alleys, hits
them over the head, and goes through their pockets.
-- Eddy Peters
Not only that, instead of the money, it escapes with the
pocket lint. -- Don Roberts
"If you really want to make a lot of money, start your own religion."
-- L. Ron Hubbard
------------------------------------------------------------------
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a
dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play
were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he
got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd
gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty
years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you
know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Conversations of Three Pastors:
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with
bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything -- noise,
spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said, "Yeah, me, too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and
in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go
away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church
. . . haven't seen one back since!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What If.......................
What if
God couldn't take the time to bless us today because we couldn't take the
time to thank Him yesterday?
What if
God decided to stop leading us tomorrow because we did not follow Him today?
What if
we never saw another flower bloom because we grumbled when God sent the rain?
What if
God didn't walk with us today because we failed to recognize it as His day?
What if
God took away the Bible tomorrow because we would not read it today?
What if
God took away His message because we failed to listen to His messenger?
What if
the door of the church was closed because we did not open to door of our
heart?
What if
God stopped loving and caring for us because we failed to love and care for
others?
What if
God wouldn't hear us today because we would not listen to Him yesterday?
What if
God answered our prayers the way we answer His call for service?
What if
God met our needs the way we give Him our lives.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
* There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
* Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker
* Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is
due.
* Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
* Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
not the toy.
* My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
* If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
* Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the family car.
* Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
happen to you the rest of the day!
* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I Wasn't Lost I Just Didn't Know Where I Was:
Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong turns. When I
finally found the right road, I asked my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I
was lost?"
"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always
know where you're going when I'm driving."
------------------------------------------------------------------
ABOUT THE POST OFFICE
* Long castigated, berated, spat upon and humiliated the
Post Office never gets a fair deal. They deserve far more:
to be criticized, reprimanded, denounced and ostracized.
- - - - -
* I wrote a letter to the Postmaster General once on ways to
improve mail service. It got lost.
- - - - -
* The other day at the Post Office here in Roanoke, Virginia I gave the
clerk a word of thanks. She dropped it.
- - - - -
* I remember when the Postal workers started a slow-down strike
for a pay raise. They had to call it off -- nobody noticed.
- - - - -
* Slow ? Yeah, I'll say. The Grandin Road Post Office played the
Main Post Office in a game of slow pitch baseball. The
game lasted nearly all of the season.
- - - - -
* I give 'em this though. The rural letter-carriers are more
considerate than their urban counterparts. All of the packages
marked "Fragile" are thrown underhanded in the rural stations.
- - - - -
* One good thing about the Post Office -- it's over 200 years old
and yet it's never been hindered by progress.
- - - - -
* I just got my new driver's license in the mail the other day.
It expired last month unfortunately.
- - - - -
* If you ever want ta' make sure somebody gets what's coming to 'em,
for Heaven's sake -- don't mail it !
AND FOR A REWARD, THEY RAISE POSTAGE A PENNY!
THINK ABOUT IT! THAT'S SHOWING THEM MR. POSTAL SYSTEM!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Steps To Happiness
Everybody Knows:
You can't be all things to all people.
You can't do all things at once.
You can't do all things equally well.
You can't do all things better than everyone else.
Your humanity is showing just like everyone else's.
So:
You have to find out who you are, and be that.
You have to decide what comes first, and do that.
You have to discover your strengths, and use them.
You have to learn not to compete with others,
Because no one else is in the contest of *being you*.
Then:
You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness.
You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.
You will have learned to live with your limitations.
You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.
And you'll be a most vital mortal.
Dare To Believe:
That you are a wonderful, unique person.
That you are a once-in-all-history event.
That it's more than a right, it's your duty, to be who you are.
That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.
And you'll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A COW
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no
cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
------------------------------------------------------------
Good News/Bad News for the Pastor:
Good News: You baptized four people today
Bad News: You know two others in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Association accepted voted to send
you a get-well card.
Bad News: It passed 31 to 30.
Good News: The board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of
filling the postition.
Good News: Your stand on nuclear disarmament has won the respect and
admiration of many people.
Bad News: None of them are remotely connected to your church.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches
things your way.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show"
and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Seventy junior high students showed up last Thursday.
Bad News: The meeting was on Wednesday.
Good News: Your women's softball team won.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustee's finally boted to add more church parking
Bad News: They wanted to blacktop the front lawn of the manse.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left the church
Bad News: He's been appointed bishop.
Good News: You finally got a key to the church kitchen.
Bad News: Someone re-keyed the lock.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
THE LITE CHURCH
24% FEWER COMMITMENTS, HOME OF THE 7.5 TITHE, 15-MINUTE SERMONS,
45-MINUTE WORSHIP SERVICES. WE HAVE ONLY 8 COMMANDMENTS-YOUR CHOICE. WE USE
JUST 3 SPIRITUAL LAWS AND HAVE AN 800-YEAR MILLENNIUM. EVERYTHING YOU'VE
WANTED IN A CHURCH.....AND LESS!
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
ICQ: http://wwp.mirabilis.com/3658585
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