The PJ'er ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Tue, 26 May 1998 21:38:56 -0500
THE PRACTICAL JOKER
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the
hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining
consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical
joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't
worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the
hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and
since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?"
and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did
you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
----------------------
Arizona Territory
In early Spring 1969, Lima Company, 3rd Battalion, 26th Marines, was
operating southwest of Da Nang, South Vietnam, in an area called
"Arizona Territory." Lima had departed the 3rd battalion firebase with
243 men. Several days after the incident I am about to describe, Lima
returned to the Battalion firebase with between 90 to 95 men. Most of
the rest had been medevaced, either for wounds or disease. About 40 had
been killed. During these three weeks, we usually had "contact" with the
North Vietnamese once or twice during the day and sometimes two or three
times at night.
One night we were hit by human wave assaults. After they had retreated,
I went to ask if I could help with the wounded. "Yeah, Smitty, could you
carry Sarge up to the medevac helicopter coming in for the wounded.
We'll put him on, too." During a patrol rest break earlier that day, I
had been talking with Sarge. Now he was dead with 5-7 bullet holes in
his chest. I had carried our dead before, but only quite some time after
a firefight. They had all been cold and stiff, and really seemed dead.
Sarge had died only minutes earlier, and as I slung him over my shoulder
in the "fireman's carry," he still felt warm and limp, just like my live
buddies did when we practiced the fireman's carry.
While the patriotic and geopolitical considerations of our place in that
war were valid, neither carried much weight with us on a day-to-day
basis. If you had asked us why we were fighting, the answer would have
been, "To stay alive, and to keep my buddy alive!" You looked out for
your buddy, and he looked out for you. If he was pinned down, you
charged the enemy position to help. He did the same for you. If you
died, it was for your buddy. Now I was carrying my buddy, who had died
for me, and his blood began to run down my arm, dripping off of my right
hand fingers.
Suddenly, in my memory, I could hear all those hymns that I had sung in
Sunday School. "There is a fountain filled with blood, drawn from
Emmanuel's veins; And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their
guilty stains!" or "Wash me and I will be whiter than snow!" What had
once been a hazy theological allegory now hit me with the full force of
reality. I knew what it meant to be covered with the blood of one who
had died for me, and I began to understand the infinite, eternal
implications of being washed in the Blood of my Lord and Savior, Jesus
Christ. Never again can I sing those hymns glibly, or in a perfunctory
manner. Now I see through a glass darkly, but I do see! Some day I shall
see face-to-Face, and shall understand fully.
Vietnam was 13 difficult months for me. It was all worth it for the
glimpse of Reality and understanding that God gave me that night. I am
so grateful that God loved me enough to give me the gift of Vietnam, and
that night in Arizona Territory so that I might understand a bit more of
His love for me. Jesus died and shed His blood that you and I might
live. Think about that. Accept it. Accept Him as your Lord and Savior.
Rejoice!
-------------------------
QUOTABLE QUOTES ON $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $"s
BANKS
"If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two
tellers?" Milton Berle
"A lot of people will urge you to put some money in a bank, and in fact,
within reason this is very good advice. But don't go overboard. Remember,
what you are doing is giving your money to someone else to hold on to, and I
think that it is worth keeping in mind that the businessmen who run banks are
so worried about holding on to things that they put little chains on all
their pens." Miss Piggy
"A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient
evidence to show you don't need it." Herbert V. Prochnow
"The Chase Manhattan Bank's memorable advertising campaign is built around
the slogan: 'You have a friend at Chase Manhattan!' 'Tis said that a sign in
the window of the nearby Bank of Israel reads: ‘But here you have relatives!’"
Leo Rosten
BARGAINS
"Bargain: Something you can't use at a price you can't resist."
Franklin P. Jones
"Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay
for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so
little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and
then how would I replace it for that amount of money?" Rita Rudner
BILLS
"Personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover...One of you
should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love,
there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, age 8
BORROWING
"Live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so."
Josh Billings
"To get back on your feet, miss two car payments." Anonymous
"If your account with a credit card company gets messed up, do not attempt
to unsnarl it. It's simpler just to move away and start a new life under an
assumed name." Robert Stapp
"I have what no millionaire has: no money!" Milton Berle
BUDGETS
"Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?"
Anonymous
CASH
"In God we trust; all others must pay cash."
Anonymous
"We honor many credit cards, but we only accept cash."
Sign in a store
"From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents; from 18 to 35, she needs
good looks; from 35 to 55, she needs a good personality; and from 55 on,
she needs cash." Sophie Tucker
CHEAP
"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap."
Dolly Parton
DEBTS
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living
apart." e. e. cummings
DOLLARS
"I wish they wouldn't keep referring to the American dollar as stable. You
know what's found in stables." Robert Orben
EASY COME, EASY GO
"My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the
stock market crash...A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell
on his pushcart." Jackie Mason
FUNNY MONEY
"I don’t know why they call counterfeit bills 'funny money.' You get stuck
with a twenty and see how much laughing you do." Robert Orben
"Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won’t buy, but have
you ever tried to buy them without money?" Ogden Nash
-------------------------
You Know It's Time For A Diet When...
* You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.
* You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.
* Weight Watchers demands your resignation.
* You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it
says, "One at a time please!"
* Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed
contact lenses.
* The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make
a turn without flipping over.
* You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the
entire blackboard
* They throw puffed rice at your wedding.
* You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting a
venetian blind.
* You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself
to sleep.
* You sit on a pick-up truck's tailgait and the front wheels go up.
* You fall asleep sunning on the beach and you wake up and realize you are
being transported to SeaWorld while guy is hosing you down and keeps saying,
"keep him wet boys, keep him wet.
* You go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and the entire kitchen staff passes
out.
* You are counting and when you run out of fingers and toes, you start
counting your chins.
* They use you as the model for the next Titanic.
-----------------------------------
A Sandpiper To Bring You Joy
She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I
live. I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the
world begins to close in on me. She was building a sand castle or something
and looked up, her eyes blue as the sea.
"Hello," she said. I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to
bother with a small child. "I'm building," she said. "I see that. What is it?"
I asked, not caring. "Oh I don't know, I just like the feel of the sand." That
sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes. A sandpiper glided by.
"That's a joy," the child said. "It's what?" I asked, uncaring."It's a joy! My
mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy."
The bird went glissading down the beach. "Good-bye joy," I muttered to
myself, "Hello, pain..." and turned to walk on. I was depressed; my life
seemed completely out of balance. "What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.
"Ruth," I answered. "I'm Ruth Peterson." "Mine's Wendy,... and I'm six." "Hi,
Wendy." I offered. She giggled. "You're funny," she said. In spite of my gloom
I laughed too and walked on. Her musical giggle followed me. "Come again, Mrs.
P," she called. "We'll have another happy day."
The days and weeks that followed belonged to others: a group of unruly Boy
Scouts, PTA meetings, an ailing mother. The sun was shining one morning as I
took my hands out of the dishwater. "I need a sandpiper," I said to myself,
gathering up my coat. The never-changing balm of the seashore awaited me. The
breeze was chilly, but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I
needed. I had forgotten the child and was startled when she appeared. "Hello,
Mrs. P," she said. "Do you want to play?" "What did you have in mind?" I
asked, with a twinge of annoyance. "I don't know. You say." "How about
charades?" I asked sarcastically. The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I
don't know what that is." "Then let's just walk." Looking at her, I noticed
the delicate fairness of her face. "Where do you live?" I asked. "Over there."
She pointed toward a row of summer cottages. Strange, I thought, in winter.
Where do you go to school?" "I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on
vacation."
She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my mind was
on other things. "When I left for home," Wendy said, "it had been a happy
day." Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.
Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I was in
no mood to greet even Wendy. I thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt
like demanding she keep her child at home. "Look, if you don't mind," I said
crossly when Wendy caught up with me, "I'd rather be alone today." She seemed
unusually pale and out of breath. "Why?" she asked. I turned on her and
shouted, "Because my mother died!"-and thought, my God, why was I saying this
to a little child?
"Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day." "Yes, and yesterday and
the day before that and-oh, go away!" "Did it hurt?" "Did what hurt?" I was
exasperated with her, with myself. "When she died?" "Of course it hurt!" I
snapped, misunderstanding, wrapped up in myself. I strode off.
A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't
there. Feeling guilty, ashamed and admitting to myself I missed her, I went up
to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn-looking young
woman with honey-colored hair opened the door. "Hello," I said. "I'm Ruth
Peterson. I missed your little girl today and wondered where she was." "Oh
yes, Mrs. Peterson, please come in."
"Wendy talked of you so much. I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If
she was a nuisance, please accept my apologies." "Not at all-she's a
delightful child," I said, suddenly realizing that I meant it. "Where is she?"
"Wendy died last week, Mrs. Peterson. She had leukemia. Maybe she didn't tell
you."
Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. My breath caught. "She loved this
beach; so when she asked to come, we couldn't say no." She seemed so much
better here and had a lot of what she called happy days. But the last few
weeks, she declined rapidly...." Her voice faltered. "She left something for
you...if only I can find it. Could you wait a moment while I look?"
I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something, anything, to say to
this lovely young woman. She handed me a smeared envelope, with MRS. P
printed in bold, childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues-
a yellow beach, a blue sea, a brown bird. Underneath was carefully printed: A
SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY
Tears welled up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost forgotten how to
love opened wide. I took Wendy's mother in my arms. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm
so sorry," I muttered over and over, and we wept together.
The precious little picture is framed now and hangs in my study. Six
words-one for each year of her life-that speak to me of inner harmony,
courage, undemanding love. A gift from a child with sea-blue eyes and hair the
color of sand-who taught me the gift of love.
----------------------------
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
ICQ: http://wwp.mirabilis.com/3658585
Higher-Fire Oneness Apostolic Emailing List
Send to E-address: listproc@prairienet.org to ...
a) ... Subscribe SUB HIGHER-FIRE Your Name
b) ... UnSubscribe UNSUB HIGHER-FIRE
c) ... Postpone Mail SET HIGHER-FIRE MAIL POSTPONE
d) ... Resume Mail SET HIGHER-FIRE MAIL ACK
e) ... Change to H-F Digests SET HIGHER-FIRE MAIL DIGEST
f) ... Check H-F Settings SET HIGHER-FIRE
g) ... Review H-F Subscription REVIEW HIGHER-FIRE
H-F Homepage : http://www.prairienet.org/upci/h-f.html
H-F Nettiquette : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/netiq.html
WWW Archives : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire
H-F F.A.Q. : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/FAQ.html
H-F Channel : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/pointcast
H-F EmailHoaxes : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/EHoaxes.txt
H-F QuickTour : http://www.prairienet.org/~tgnally/HigherFireTour.html
H-F Questionaire : http://www.prairienet.org/upci/questions.html
"...prefer to hear educated blessings preach than ignorant blessing!"
- Bro Robert Jay Brown III