The tail of two horses ... nyuk, nyuk
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Wed, 27 May 1998 15:54:01 -0500
A man bought two horses, and could never remember which was
which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse
and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in
a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other
horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine
until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our
friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height.
When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches
taller than the black.
------------------------------------------------------
Some bits and pieces from comedian Jerry Seinfeld:
ON CLOTHES
- - - -I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does
moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's
raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing
leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
TRAVELING
- - - -I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that
the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the
ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the
rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course
while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need
an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way
back from lunch.
- - - -You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is
that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people
notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a
uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a
limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.
75 each.
- - - -Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are
sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits
up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Rats...I did it
again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to
come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed
here on the ground for a while. I uh..Ohhhhh, this is so embarrassing...I,
I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray
by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
- - - -You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about
20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off
work? " "Around 3 miles."
DEATH
- - - -The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the
criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch
artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the
sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk
you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the
crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that
when he hit the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim."
THAT'S ODD
- - - -I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into
these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design
principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room?
What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole
other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But
the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly
right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror
is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other
parakeet?"
- - - - Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them
will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it."
And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If
there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask
for the front seat. "The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't
call it ..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call
it. Case closed."
ON DATING:
- - - -What would the world be like if people said whatever they were
thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind
date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, you have too many chins."
"That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
THE RELATIONSHIP
- - - -Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for
some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman
he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants
to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging , that's
our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now !" But
the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles ,"
and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't.
Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke
pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I
didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
- - - -The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men
are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a
wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some
guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they
know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out,
everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
----------------------------------------------------
A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that
day.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed
to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics,
and sent her on her way.
Who Said Blondes Can't Fly!!
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great!
I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of
this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to
fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning
to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed
about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going
fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember
anything after I turned off the big fan."
-------------------------------------------------------------
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
ICQ: http://wwp.mirabilis.com/3658585
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