Dogs-n-cats ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Thu, 28 May 1998 08:23:28
"Top Dog And Cat Characteristics"
11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and
get back to you when they are good and ready.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a
contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats
will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take
a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have
their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home
from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk
and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats
will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make
you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born. (Now we know why men are compared to dogs and women are
ALWAYS compared to cats)
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The Cat Test
To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine,
Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet
novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides.
It involves three simple steps.
(1) place testee in empty room facing far wall;
(2) place cat into center of room, close and latch door;
(3) after 10 minutes, open the door.
Algozzine, et. al., note that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations
between sub classifications of emotional disturbance. They offer the
following guidelines for interpretation of results.
1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be
found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.
2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - fur scattered randomly about the room and on
testee - cat alive, still cold.
3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly
about room - cat terminated.
3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of testee scattered
randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect.
4. PARANOID REACTION - testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive
and sleeping in center of room.
5. PSYCHOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about
testee's head - cat assumed terminated.
6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - testee in center of room carrying on long
existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.
7. NEUROTIC REACTION - testee asking cat for advise about migraine
headache - cat alive and still confused.
8. CATATONIC REACTION - testee in corner of room with back arched, hair
on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive,
confused, and sexually aroused.
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A master calls his/her pet.
A dog looks at its master, runs to the master, wags his tail,
jumps up and down in excitement, wiggles his entire body,
hangs out his tongue, while saying, "Yes, yes, yes!! What
can I do for you? What can I do for you? What can I do
for YOU?"
A cat looks at its (hah!) master and says, "So?!?"
-----------------------------------------------------
By this certificate know ye that......
THE BEARER
IS A LIFETIME MEMBER IN GOOD STANDING IN
THE SOCIETY OF CHILDLIKE GROWNUPS
AND IS HEREBY ENTITLED TO:
Walk in the rain,
JUMP in mud puddles,
collect rainbows,
smell flowers,
Blow bubbles, ooOoO
stop along the way,
build sandcastles,
watch the moon and stars come out,
Say HELLO to everyone,
go barefoot,
go on adventures,
Sing in the shower,
Have a Merry heart ,
read children's books,
Act silly,
take bubble baths,
get new sneakers,
hold hands & hug & kiss,
dance,
Fly Kites,
laugh out loud and cry out loud,
wander around,
wonder (???) about stuff,
Feel SCARED & sad ;-( & MAD & Happy,
Give up worry & guilt & shame,
stay innocent,
say yes and no and the magic words,
ask lots of questions,
Ride bicycles,
draw and paint and color,
see things differently,
fall down and get up again,
Talk with animals,
look at the sky,
trust the universe,
STAY UP LATE,
Climb trees,
take naps,
do nothing,
daydream,
Play with toys,
play under the covers,
have pillow fights,
learn new stuff,
get excited about EVERYTHING,
be a clown,
listen to music,
find out how things work,
Make up new rules,
tell stories,
save the world,
make friends,
and do anything that brings more:
happiness, celebration, relaxation,
communication, health, love, joy,
creativity, pleasure, abundance,
grace, self-esteem, courage,
balance, spontaneity, passion, peace,
beauty, and
life energy to all humans and beings of this planet.
FURTHERMORE, the above named member is officially authorized to
frequent amusement parks, meadows, mountaintops, swimming pools, forests,
playgrounds, picnic areas, summer areas, summer camps, birthday parties,
circuses, bakeries, ice cream parlors, theaters, aquariums, zoos, museums,
planetariums, toy stores, festivals and other places where children of all
ages gather to play AND
is encouraged to always remember
the motto of
THE SOCIETY OF CHILDLIKE GROWNUPS:
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD,
AND TO MAKE SURE THAT OTHERS DO TOO!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Minutes of Gold
Two or three minutes - two or three hours.
What do they mean in this life of ours?
Not very much if but counted as time.
But minutes of gold and hours sublime.
If only we'll use them once in a while
To make someone happy - make someone smile.
A minute may dry a little lad's tears.
An hour sweep aside trouble of years.
Minutes of my time may bring to an end
Hopelessness somewhere somewhere, and bring me a friend.
- author unknown -
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Only One Of Us At A Time Can Drive!
Before the advent of the automobile, the horse and buggy was the
preferred
choice of personal transportation. Once there was a young couple
riding home
late one even from all day Sunday church when a sudden storm
hit. The horse
was getting spooked and the dirt road was filling with
water, turning to a bog
of mud.
This young couple knew they had to get home quickly or risk drowning. The
rain
was falling in horizontal blinding sheets and they feared a
gully-washing
flash flood. As they raced for home, the young husband, a
skilled horseman,
held tightly to the reigns guiding his horse towards the
haven of home. There
was one narrow bridge remaining between them and their
farm. Visibility was
almost gone but the horse and his master knew the
route and trusted each
other.
As they approached the bridge, there was water all over the road and the
young
wife was terrified that the bridge had been washed away. She panicked
and
grabbed at the reigns trying to stop the horse from attempting to cross
the
bridge. Her husband wrestled with her for a moment but stopped when
she
managed to grab hold of one of the reigns. He calmly took her hand and
gave
her the other reign.
She shrieked because she wasn't the horseman that her husband was and tried
to
hand back one reign to him. He refused it saying, "Only one of us can
drive.
Hand me both or you must take us across."
She returned the reigns to him and they made it home safely.
Really trusting and resting in God is a lot like this. We invite Jesus to
be
the Lord of our lives and promise to trust Him. Then pressure and
contrary
circumstance hit and we panic. We grab at the reigns of our life
and try to
reassume control. We wrestle for the Lordship of our lives again
for fear of
what might happen. Our faith in God begins to shake.
God says the same thing to us that the husband said to his wife: Either
take
both reigns to yourself or hand back what you have attempted to
control to God
and let him drive. He alone knows where the road is going
and can direct you
on the path that will finally bring you home to Him.
Bryan Hupperts © 1998
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Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore!
At the conclusion of a concert two ushers were applauding harder then
anyone else. People seated nearby smiled appreciatively at the two music
lovers until one of them stopped clapping and the other one was heard to
say "keep clapping you dope. One more encore and were on overtime."
------------------------------------------------------
SHORTYS:
Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall,
you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it
with you is that it goes before you do.
Junk is something you throw away
three weeks before you need it.
Hospitality is making your guests feel
at home, even if you wish they were.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A man (or woman) who can smile when
things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through
a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Some people are like blisters. They don't
show up until the work is done.
A true friend is one that lets his grass
grow as tall as his neighbor's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult
while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don't know where you're going,
you're never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize amistake when you make it again.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from
Cobb County, GA:
*****
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more
riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great
grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some
common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden,
delusional liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people
were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a
Bill of No Rights.
BILL OF NO RIGHTS
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire
them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This
country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not
just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc., but the World is full of idiots, and probably always will
be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you
stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect
the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently
wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly
help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing
generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve
nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional
couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would
be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested
in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be
surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others.
If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you
away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen
color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk
their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate
oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to
fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire
world and do not want to spend a lot of our time battling each and every
little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want
all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times;
but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education
and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American
means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which, by the way,
is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
--
______ ___ __ _____ __ __ __ __ tnally@iquest.net
|_ _| \ | | _ | | | | \ \/ / tgnally@prairienet.org
| | | |\\| | _ | |__| |__ | | T. Nally - "A M.I.M.E. is a
|__| |__| \___|_| |_|_____|_____||__| a terrible thing to waste."