Cat Rules ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Fri, 29 May 1998 10:22:29
Rules for cats who have a house to run - Part 1
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door
opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach
under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest
reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you
have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important during very
cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the
mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed
chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental
rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When
urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as
long as a human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule
I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering".
The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking,
sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and
thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up
and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and
slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you;
ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and
needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans
may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -
- to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
Rules for cats who have a house to run - Part 2
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike
are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the
dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps
with improving their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two
(or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat.
They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will
effectively keep them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS:
Rule no. 1: only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the
operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and
cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and
the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to
the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for
a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as
possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice
aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since
it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when
it's time to sharpen your nails.
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Let There Be Peace
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior
high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and
contentment . . . then a new school year began. The very next afternoon
three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down
his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The
crashing percussion continued day after day,until finally the wise old
man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he
walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way
down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I
like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same
thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a
dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash
cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a
big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to
pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously
displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon
ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received
my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you
more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum
leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating
these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
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The Lucky Train Passenger
A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train
stops at Victoria.
"This train doesn't stop at Victoria, its the express"
"Your joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria"
"Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria"
"There must be something you can do"
"Well there is one thing"
"What, anything, I need to get off"
"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out the door
and lower you onto the platform"
"My god! will that work?"
"Its worth a try."
The train approaches the platform at 50 mph The ticket collector hangs the
man in mid air out the door. The man starts running! The man is running
in mid air. "Run faster! Run faster!" The ticket collector lowers the man
down. The mans feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his
heel comes off. The man is running for his life!
The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph!! He's made it,
he begins to slow down. He's still running at 20mph along side the train
as the other passengers watch in amazement. As the last carriage goes by a
hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train.
As he's being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say..
Your lucky I was here to help,this train doesn't even stop at Victoria!!!!"
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Helping Hand
We all know a few people like this don't we ??
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on
death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner,
strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch
and nothing happened.
Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner
is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened,
so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue
wires over, you might make this thing work."
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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again,
Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
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If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following which
would you choose?
BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGER
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
OK - now that we have your choice, this is what research says about you!!!
aND no....you can't change your mind once you scroll down....!!!!!!
So think carefully, what your choice will be!!!!
h m m . . . . . . d e c i s i o n s . . . . . .
BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little
nutty. Sometimes you need a little treat like an ice cream cone at the end of
the day.
3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of
underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your
sabre.
BUTTERFINGER - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker
and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.
SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you.
But you are a practical joker - others should be cautious in shaking hands!
HERSHEY'S - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be
counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy if held too close.
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I Heard It On The Radio
Heard on the radio in Portland, OR that Tonya Harding, defrocked figure
skater, had her prize Ford truck stolen from the parking lot of a local
shopping mall.
At which point the announcer asked the obvious question: ... Why didn't
she use the Club?
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Extreme Bumper Stickers
*God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
*I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
*Keep honking while I reload.
*Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
*Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
*Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
*EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
*Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
*If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
*Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
*Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
*My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
*Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
*Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
*If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
*Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
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Shortys @@ Automobiles:
* My son, JimJr Jr, fancies himself a comedian. Last year for
my birthday, he gave me bifocal headlights for my Mazda.
+++++++++++++
* With cars getting smaller and smaller, these days a man has
to look left, right and down before crossing the street.
+++++++++++
* In the US these days, a car company is considered successful
if they sell more cars than they recall.
+++++++++++
* I went thru one of those one minute car washes the other day.
A Yuppie in front of me tipped the crew to hurry it up.
+++++++++++
* I had a car phone for a while, but had to have it taken out.
The phone bill was so high, I couldn't afford to buy any gas.
+++++++++++
* You've all seen these rubber strips that help prevent nicks
from people opening their car doors. The way Mrs JimJr drives,
I wish they made bumper pads to put all the way around the car.
++++++++++++
* Then there was the Yuppette who took her Beamer into the shop.
The mechanic told her she had a short circuit. She replied,
"I don't care what it costs. Lengthen it !"
++++++++++++
* They've just come out with yet another new Japanese sports car.
It has a low-cut grille, shapely fenders, long, sleek lines and
padded bumpers. They brought one into Baltimore City the other
day, and 3 Chevies chased it into an alley.
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Family Feud Follies
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have
appeared on the quiz show Family Feud.
**Name something a blind person might use - A sword
**Name a song with "moon" in the title - Blue suede moon
**Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
**Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
**Name something that floats in the bath - Water
**Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
**Name something red - My cardigan
**Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
**Name a famous royal - Mail
**Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep
**Name something you put on walls - Roofs
**Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
**Name something you might be allergic to - Skiing
**Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
**Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
**Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
**Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
**Name something associated with the police - Pigs
**Name a sign of the zodiac - April
**Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
**Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
**Name a non living object with legs - Plant
**Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
**Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
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WHO Makes Largest Sacrifice When Married?
As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage
women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female
relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about
whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective
gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly
agreed with me that men give up far more than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their
cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."
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Farcical comments & questions about contemporary life
**Life is full of gross inequities - I can spend money every day but
I only get paid once a month.
**While in school, children are now taught to study hard and be
successful, but not too successful because if you are, the government
will try to stop you!
**Do fish in rectangular aquariums still swim in circles?
**Some of the new crop of gubernatorial candidates sound like they
havea full six-pack, but lack the plastic thingie that holds `em all
together.
**If I had a choice as to which I trust most, Microsoft or the
Department of Justice, Bill Gates win hands down every time.
**Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is very costly.
**Why do people talk faster when leaving phone numbers on answering
devices.
**Hockey will never replace beer-drinking and dog-fighting as the
official state sports of Georgia.
**What's the line between fan and fanatic?
**Since we're running a budget surplus, does that mean that Kenneth
Starr can hire more lawyers and investigators and pay better bribes to
more witnesses.
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How many holes does it take to sink a ship? One. The Titanic had
several holes, but their combined size was only 15 cubic feet, the size
of a refrigerator. How many strikeouts does it take to ruin a perfect
batting record? One. How many speeding tickets to ruin a perfect
driving record? One. How many problems does it take to remove your
peace? None. No matter how many difficulties you encounter, nobody can
rob you of peace without your permission.
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--
______ ___ __ _____ __ __ __ __ tnally@iquest.net
|_ _| \ | | _ | | | | \ \/ / tgnally@prairienet.org
| | | |\\| | _ | |__| |__ | | T. Nally - "A M.I.M.E. is a
|__| |__| \___|_| |_|_____|_____||__| a terrible thing to waste."