O.Fiddle ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Fri, 29 May 1998 15:25:04 -0500
The Doctor of Divinity
Mr. O. Fiddle had a lifelong dream of going to Divinity School to get his
Doctor of Divinity degree and after years of saving at long last he entered
the university.
He worked and studied hard and this June his dream will come true when he
finally receives his degree. From that day forward, he will be known to
one and all as O. Fiddle D.D.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Perfectly Successful Job.
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job
that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
------------------------------------------------
MISPRINTS FROM MAJOR NEWSPAPERS
* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one.
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing.
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder.
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water.
* Farmer bill dies in house.
* Iraqi head seeks arms.
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped.
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over.
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach.
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors.
----------------------------------------------------------
THE LAWNMOWER .....
A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a
yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house.
"You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to cuss at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
-----------------------------------------------------------
HELP KEY ! Where's My Help?
About a year ago, one of my co-workers started laughing uncontrollably. Once
calming him down, he began to explain why. Both of us being in System
Development for a large retailer, understood the stupidity that was
encountered every day when called for support.
He had just received a phone call from a very irritated user. This user had
told him - "I pressed the 'F1' key for help ... but it's been over half an
hour & still nobody has come to help me.
----------------------------------------------------------------
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH:
[note: .... many of these are probably not necessarily
true statments in an apostolic church ... so, think back
when ya'll (if ya were) were going to a denominational
church .............................................TN ]
10. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went
over time 25 minutes.
8. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month
I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the
Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's
pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
... And the number one thing never heard in Church:
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like
our annual stewardship campaign!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Subject: [ALPHA] A parents dictionary
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Household Laws
*A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse
proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved
*Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one
*A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one
*The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how
badly it is needed
*The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage
*Three children plus two cookies equals a fight
*The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number
of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers
*The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside
temperature
*The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half
sibling showers
*What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used
cereal
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A New Kind Of Club
Falling church attendance has been a problem for some time now. Along
this line, did you hear about the latest thing for people who attend
church? In order to keep up with the times, churches are now offering
fitness clubs to their parishioners. They're calling it ... the God
and Run Club.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***THINK ABOUT THIS***
If you're headed in the wrong direction,
God allows U-turns.
========================
For every 60 seconds of anger,
you lose one minute of happiness.
=========================
Kindness: a language the deaf can hear,
the blind can see and the mute can speak.
==========================
When you see someone without a smile,
give him one of yours.
============================
I do not think happiness is too hard to find -- it is
how you treat it once you get hold of it that counts.
=============================
What holds you together
is far greater than what can tear you apart.
===============================
My grandfather once told me
that there were two kinds of people:
those who do the work and those who take the credit.
He told me to be in the first group;
there was much less competition.
=============================
Don't marry the person you think you can live with.
Marry the one you can't live without.
============================
I complained I had no shoes,
'til I met a man who had no feet.
==========================
When one door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often we look so long at the closed door
that we do not see the one which had been opened for us.
==========================
The days are very long,
but the years are very short.
===========================
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
============================
Answer just what the heart prompts you.
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
==============================
Speak only well of people,
and you need never whisper.
=============================
Time is precious,
but truth is more precious than time.
===============================
Pray for what you want,
but work for the things you need.
================================
Wise men learn more from fools,
than fools from wise men.
=================================
Get your mind set;
confidence will lead you on.
=================================
It is better to share happiness
than to keep it to yourself.
==================================
Prayer is the language of the heart.
=====================================
Love... is meant to be shared
=====================================
-------------------------------------------------------------------
SHORTYS:
"My motto is the same as my blood type-Be Positive."
"Everyone is the age of their heart." Guatemalan proverb
"Nobody ever asks a father how he manages to combine marriage and a
career." Sam Ewing
"We're behind you all the way."
Motto, Procrastinators Club of America
"Bad breath is better than no breath at all."
Old dentist joke
"If e-mail had been around before the telephone was invented, people
would have said, 'Hey, forget e-mail!' 'With this newtelephone inventionI
can actually talk to people!"
The Executive Speechwriter Newsletter
"The good news: Computers allow us to work 100% faster.
"The bad news: They generate 300% more work."
Unlike food, beverages, medicines, chewing gum, cosmetics, and other
things that come into intimate contact with people, cigarettes are not
required by the U.S. government to list ingredients on their labels.
Maybe this is just as well. The list of additives in cigarettes
includes chemicals so toxic they are not allowed to be disposed of in
landfills.
"Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one,
enemy to none." Benjamin Franklin
Overheard: "This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me."
"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He
didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa
"Love your enemies. It will drive them crazy."
"You have to have a darkness for the dawn to come." Harrison Ford
"Rush hour': That hour when the traffic is almost at a standstill."
"Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine you altitude." Zig Ziglar
"Always give people a piece of your heart, not a piece of your mind."
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It's to decide
forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
Elizabeth Stone
"The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five
minutes more." Wilson Mizner
"Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."
"Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without."
Popular saying from the Great Depression
------------------------------------------------------------------
HEADLINE BLOOPERS! ! !
* Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Eye Drops Off Shelf
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
ICQ: http://wwp.mirabilis.com/3658585
Higher-Fire Oneness Apostolic Emailing List
Send to E-address: listproc@prairienet.org to ...
a) ... Subscribe SUB HIGHER-FIRE Your Name
b) ... UnSubscribe UNSUB HIGHER-FIRE
c) ... Postpone Mail SET HIGHER-FIRE MAIL POSTPONE
d) ... Resume Mail SET HIGHER-FIRE MAIL ACK
e) ... Change to H-F Digests SET HIGHER-FIRE MAIL DIGEST
f) ... Check H-F Settings SET HIGHER-FIRE
g) ... Review H-F Subscription REVIEW HIGHER-FIRE
H-F Homepage : http://www.prairienet.org/upci/h-f.html
H-F Nettiquette : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/netiq.html
WWW Archives : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire
H-F F.A.Q. : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/FAQ.html
H-F Channel : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/pointcast
H-F EmailHoaxes : http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/EHoaxes.txt
H-F QuickTour : http://www.prairienet.org/~tgnally/HigherFireTour.html
H-F Questionaire : http://www.prairienet.org/upci/questions.html
"...prefer to hear educated blessings preach than ignorant blessing!"
- Bro Robert Jay Brown III