funny

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In a message dated 99-08-13 13:00:41 EDT, you write:

<< >> >You know you're a pentecostal if...
 >> >
 >> >
 >> >1.)  Your hair spray bill exceeds your gas bill...
 >> >2.)  Your pastor announces EVERY sunday night that
 >>you will be having
 >> >service on wed. night....
 >> >3.) Your wife goes swimming in a jean skirt. >>
Etc., etc.

Me:
of course, that would be the UPC version. The PAW version might go something 
like:
> >> > >YOU KNOW YOU'RE AT A BLACK CHURCH - PART II
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the preacher has a cordless microphone
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the choir director and the preacher have on the same robe
> >> > >
> >> > >...if there are more than 2 offerings
> >> > >
> >> > >...if there are more than 5 names in the church title (ex.
Greater Mount
> >> > >Sinai Full Gospel Baptist Church or St. Mary's Hallelujah House
of
>
> >> > Prayer)
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the congregational activities are stand up, sit down, stand
>up,
> >>sit
> >> > >down, etc...
> >> > >
> >> > >...if there are more than 2 choirs (ex. youth choir, young adult
> >>choir,
> >> > >missionary choir, male chorus)
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the preacher's car has rims (or Vogues)
> >> > >
> >> > >...if there is SOME type of service every night (Mon. -bible
>study,
> >>Tues.
> >> > >-prayer meeting, wed.-new members, Thurs. -BTU, fri -sunday
school
>
> >> > review)
> >> > >
> >> > >...if there is a camcorder set up in the center aisle
> >> > >
> >> > >...if members sit in the choir stand once the pews are full OR if
> >>there
> >> > are
> >> > >chairs in the aisles
> >> > >
> >> > >..if the church has at least 2 of the following: musician's
> >>appreciation,
> >> > >pastor's anniversary, vacation bible school, homecoming/revival,
> >>church
> >> > >anniversary, or harvest drive
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the Christmas program consists of 9 little kids reciting C
>is
> >>for
> >> > >Christ who lives within me, H is for his Holy Spirit, R is for
> >> > >resurrection,...
> >> > >

> >> > >
> >> > >...if the church has a concession stand ("the mother's board will
>be
> >> > >selling-not refreshments-but fried chicken samiches after service
>for
> >> > >$2.50")
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the preacher and/or any of the choirs have a recording
>contract
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the church has a choir anniversary and includes a parade of
> >> > anywhere
> >> > >from 5 to 20 choirs.
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the MC asks the choir to give an "A", "B", "C" selection,
or
>"a
> >> > theme"
> >> > >and "2 selections"
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the ushers wear nurse uniforms (including the hat) or black
>&
> >>white
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the musician is a man & has the best looking hairdo in the
> >>building
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the ushers pass out paper fans with a picture of Martin
>Luther
> >> > King,
> >> > >Jr. on the front & a funeral home advertisement on the back; and
>if
> >>you
> >> > have
> >> > >to make a special request to get a fan that still has the stick
on
>it
> >> > >
> >> > >...if someone gets up & hands the preacher a handkerchief in the
> >>middle
> >> > of
> >> > >the sermon
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the prayer lasts for longer than 5 minutes
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the children out number the adults
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the instruments take up more space than the pulpit
> >> > >
> >> > >...if someone brings the preacher a glass of water or juice
> >> > >
> >> > >...if there is a child laid out asleep in the pew
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the offering time is like a fashion show; everyone has to
>march
> >> > down
> >> > >the outside aisle & come back around through the middle aisle
>starting
> >> > from
> >> > >the rear
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the ushers run out of sheets and begin using people's coats
>to
> >> > place
> >> > >over those who are slain with the spirit
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the service begins at 11 a.m. and people are still coming
in
>
> >> > whenever
> >> > >12:30 p.m. rolls around
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the preacher sings before, during and after the sermon
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the PA/sound system squeaks at any time during the service
> >> > >
> >> > >...if you hear one of the following phrases: "saved, sanctified,
>and
> >> > filled
> >> > >with the Holy Ghost," "fire-baptised" "praise the Lord, Saints
>(praise
> >> > the
> >> > >Lord!)-I said praise the Lord, Saints (Praise the Lord!)" "God is
>good
> >> > (all
> >> > >da time!)"  "sick & shut in"
> >> > >
> >> > >...if any of the songs (praise & worship or the choir) includes
> >> > choreography
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the preacher has gold in his mouth
> >> > >
> >> > >...if they ever have a "foot-washing" service
> >> > >
> >> > >...if there is a prayer line; if the line extends down the aisle;
>and
> >>if
> >> > the
> >> > >people in the line whisper their request into the preacher's ear
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the sermon includes derogatory statements about particular
> >> > >denominations
> >> > >
> >> > >...if service is going on, but there are only 3 or 5 cars outside
> >> > >
> >> > >...if the church building used to be a night club, juke joint, or
>some
> >> > side
> >> > >store
>
>