Assorted nyuk, nyuks.....

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Greetings saints in Jesus name!

Since it's been a while since I've sent some nyuk, nyuks
out to the list.... (for an explaination of what a nyuk, 
nyuk is ... please go to ... 

    http://www.higherfire.org/07-96/archive/0109.html

... and you'll find out).  I thought it to be a good thing
to scour a bunch of e-mail that I have to give you all a
decent selection of nyuk, nyuks and a few spiritual nuggets
as well.  

Happy chuckling!

Bro Tyler

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Here's a coupla "blonde" jokes....

"A Trip to New York"

A flight attendant encountered a blonde sitting in the
first class section with a business class ticket. She
told her she would not be able to sit in that section
but the blonde refused to move.

She said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
New York, and you can't make me move."

The flight attendant went to the head attendant who
went to the lady and again asked her to move
because she was sitting in the first class section
and didn't belong there.

Again the lady said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to New York, and you can't make me move."

Finally, in exasperation the flight attendants went
to the pilot and explained the situation.

He replied, "Oh, I can take care of that. My wife is
a blonde."

He went back and whispered something to the lady,
and she immediately got up and walked back to
the business section.

The others were curious as to why she responded
so fast to him and asked for an explanation.

The pilot said, "Oh, it was simple. I just told her that
the first class section wasn't going to New York."

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"First Time On A Boeing"

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby
country. She has never been on an airplane
anywhere and was very excited and tense.

As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747,
she started jumping in excitement, running over
seat to seat and starts shouting,
"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO...."

She, sort of, forgets where she is, even the pilot
in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the
goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts,
"BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere, and
everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry
Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment
and then, all of a sudden, started shouting,

"OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OE..."

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The Blonde Gets a Perm

A blonde walks into a beauty salon to get a hair cut with headphones on.
The hairdresser asks her to take them off for the haircut and she replies
"I can't, I'll die." She proceeds to cut her hair and it looks awful.
 
Six weeks later the same blonde comes in for another haircut. The
hairdresser pleads with her "Please take your headphones off - I can
make your hair look beautiful. Once again the blonde replies "I can't,
I'll die". So she receives another awful haircut.
 
Six weeks later the blonde show up at the salon and once again the
hairdresser says "Please take your headphones off - I can make your
hair beautiful if you would just take off the headphones". "I can't, I'll
die"
 
The hairstylist proceeds to cut her hair. While doing so the blonde falls
asleep. The hairstylist quickly thinks to herself - I will remove the
headphones and replace them before she wakes up, I'll make her hair
beautiful. Seconds after doing this the blonde falls off the chair. The
hairdresser checked her and she wasn't breathing.

Dying to know what was keeping her alive with the headphones on,
she places them on her head. She hears............
"Breathe in, breathe out - breathe in, breath out."

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"The Next One"

After a young couple brought their new baby
home, the wife suggested that her husband
should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around, and she asked
again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh!
I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the
next baby!"

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"Straight Facts"

Pretty soon, the little ones start asking
questions: Embarassing ones at that!
I remember when my kids asked me,
"Where do babies come from."

I try not to lie to them! I told them the
straight facts: "Carelessness, pure carelessness!"

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 No Room at the Inn
 ------------------
 By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel 
 room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he 
 pleaded. "Or just a bed,  I don't care where." 
 "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air 
 Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to 
 split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly 
 that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. 
 
 I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." 
 
 "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." 
 The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed 
 and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never 
 better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other 
 guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy. 
 
 "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. 
 
 "He was already in bed,  snoring away, when I came in the room," 
 the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, 
 and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,' 
 
 ...and he sat up all night watching me." 

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During the "rush hour" at a major Texas airport, a flight was delayed due to 
a mechanical problem.  Since they needed the gate for another flight, the 
aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on 
it.

The airline then announced the new gate number, which was some distance away.

Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been
designated for the flight.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were
settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We
apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change.  This
flight is going to Washington DC.  If your destination is not Washington DC, 
then you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit,
carrying his bags.  "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

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"I knew I could count on you!"

Mr. Smith went to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says,
"we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

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Older women vs. younger women:

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A
younger woman wearing the same hat risks looking like a lampshade in a
house of ill repute. 

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask
you, "What are you thinking?" That's because an older woman doesn't much
care what you think. 

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking
like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of
younger women (or drag queens either, for that matter; but that's an
entirely different list). 

Older women can run faster because they wear more sensible shoes. 

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on
the rides at an amusement park. 

Older women have jobs with dental plans. A younger woman can't help you
when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. 

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Get Out Of The Mess Yourself

So the big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her
mother along on one of his expeditions.
 
It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get
along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters
worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the
safari safe. 
 
One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing.
Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.
 
He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they
hear throaty growling - and soon they come upon a small clearing in which
the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable
jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion. 
 
The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?"
 
"Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "The lion got himself into this
mess, now let him get himself out of it."
  
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Now I know what is wrong with ME
Does anyone else have this syndrome?????

- Just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a
very serious condition and there's no hope I will ever recover.  The
scientific  world is frantically searching for a cure...
This is an ailment many of us suffer from and  may not as yet have been
diagnosed , however now you may be able to  discuss it with your loved
ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you
tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't.   
  BUT FIRST SYNDROME:   
  "I call it "But First" Syndrome. You know. It's when you decide to do
the  laundry. So you start down the hall with the laundry, but  then see
the  newspapers on the table. OK, you'll do the laundry.                 
BUT FIRST you decide to put the newspapers away. So on your way
in to put  the newspapers away, you notice the mail on the table. OK,
you'll put the  newspapers away.   
 BUT FIRST you'll pay that bill that needs to be paid. So you look for
the  checkbook. Oops...there's the empty glass from yesterday on the
coffee table.  OK, you'll pay the bill.  
 BUT FIRST you need to put the glass in the sink. You head for the 
kitchen.  Darn it, there's the remote for the TV. What's it doing here? 
Okay, you'll  put the glass in the sink.   
 BUT FIRST you need to put the remote away. Head for the living- room.
Aaagh!   Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, you'll put the
remote away.  
BUT FIRST you need to feed the cat...  So, here's what happens at the
end  of the day: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor,
glass is still on the table, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still lost,
and the cat ate the  remote control ...     And, when you try to figure
out how come nothing got done all day, you are  baffled because .....you
KNOW you were BUSY ALL DAY!!  That's the "BUT FIRST" Syndrome."

So now we have identified one of my major problems!
   
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Laws of Golf
 
 LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet 
 to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it 
 has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a 
 tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
 
 LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately  
 by your worst round ever.  The probability of the latter increases
 with the number of people you tell about the former.
 
 LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.  Though this cannot 
 be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the
 golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
 
 LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.  If one
 does,  the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be
 cut down.
 
 LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
 partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath
 of the universe.
 
 LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
 himself as an instructor.
 
 LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
 humiliate golfers.  The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
 
 LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
 
 LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
 
 LAW 10: Sand is alive.  If it isn't, how do you explain the way it
 works against you?
 
 LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
 the clubhouse.
 
 LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
 anyone in your group.  Likewise, a group you accidentally hit
 into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler,
 a convicted murderer and an IRS  agent -- or some similar
 combination.
 
 LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
 
 LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
 particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
 
 LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
 
 LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
 Similarly,  "tough break" can usually be translated "way to
 miss an easy one, sucker."
 
 LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the
 one who beats you.
 
 LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust 
 your score to what it really should be.
 
 LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
 
 LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until 
 the sunset.
     
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Rules For Secretaries, (Not My Secretay You Say) From Andy's Files

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me,
advising me at every keystroke. 

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open
the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs. 

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. I am psychic. 

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion. 

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular
in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with
useful information. 

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to
them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 
 
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Short Jabs From "The Vent:

**Dental hygenist: The only person in the world who can stab your
gums with an iron hook and then be genuinely surprised that they bleed.       
                              
**If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

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"How should I know? I'm only 6 Years Old."

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and
it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey,
kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."
   
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Always Worth The Same No Matter What
THE TWENTY  DOLLAR  BILL

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of
you but first,let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.  He then asked, "Who still
wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?"?  And he dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe crumpled and dirty.
"Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I
did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives,we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the 
dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never
lose your value in God's eyes. To Him, dirty or clean, crumpled or finely 
creased, you are still priceless to Him.

    Psalm 17:8 states that God will keep us, "as the apple of His eye."
   
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"Yes, we do."

Jo Jaimeson:  The company where I work provides four-foot-high cubicles
so each employee can have some privacy.  One day a co-worker had an
exasperating phone conversation with one of  her teenage sons.  After
hanging up, she heaved a sigh and said, "No one ever listens to me."
Immediately, several voices from surrounding cubicles called out, "Yes,
we do."
    
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This Sounds Like My House

James F. Johnson, Jr.:  My mother tries to liven up our evening meals by
serving innovative dishes.  Unfortunately, our meat-and-potatoes family
doesn't appreciate her efforts, and since she's always experimenting,
there are frequent failures.

One night she was exasperated after spending all afternoon on an
elaborate meal that didn't meet her expectations.  "I'll never be
remembered for my cooking," she told us wistfully.
My seven-year-old sister Mariane piped up, "Oh, yes, you will."

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THE BIBLE IN 50 WORDS

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph
ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea 
divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, 
Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, 
Hope died Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen.

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THE DEVIL"S BEATITUDES  <<From Andy's Archives>>
    If the Devil were to write his own beatitudes, they would possibly go 
something like this:

** Blessed are those Christians who are TOO TIRED, TOO BUSY, too
distracted to spend time with their fellow Christians in Church-they are my 
best candidates to backslide.Christians

**Blessed are those Christians who WAIT TO BE ASKED and EXPECT TO BE
THANKED -I can use them to slow things down.

**Blessed are those Christians who are TOUCHY, with a bit of luck they
may STOP GOING TO CHURCH and get others to quit-they are my missionaries.

**Blessed are those Christians who are VERY RELIGIOUS but GET ON
EVERYONE'S nerves-they are my most effective stumbling blocks.

**Blessed are those Christians who are TROUBLEMAKERS -they are my best 
wrecking crew.

**Blessed are those Christians who have NO TIME TO PRAY -they are easy
prey for me.

**Blessed are those Christians who are COMPLAINERS -they are my best 
discouragers.

**Blessed are YOU when you read this and THINK IT IS ABOUT OTHER people
and not yourself---I've got you.

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GOD'S TABLE REQUIRES TABLE MANNERS

You undoubtedly felt awkward the first time you had to learn
which fork to use. But with that knowledge you can enter any
dining experience with confidence. The same is true when you dine
at God's table. At first it seems difficult. But learning the
right manners makes it possible for you to be in any situation
and please the Father.

Table manners at God's table:

  * You have to do your own chewing. Too many Christians expect
    God to take out a spoon and dish up the blessing for them. He
    is supposed to place it in our mouths, work our jaws to chew
    it up, and help us swallow it. We want God to do everything.
    The fact is that you have responsibility in God's sovereign
    world.

  * Accept the seating. God has a place for you - in Him - that
    far outweighs anything the pleasures of this life have to
    offer. The fleshly, carnal attitudes of your world will be a
    constant source of contention in this life. But God calls you
    to sit in His kingdom, not in the world. Satan will try to
    convince you to take a lesser seat, that those serving God
    have more time, money, or talent than you. He wants you to
    measure flesh against flesh. Don't listen to him. Sit in the
    seat of inheritance that God has waiting for you

  * Finish the meal. John 3:16 tells us, God so loved the world,
    that He gave His only begotten Son. Some believe that because
    God has already come and died for the sins of the world, they
    don't have to do anything else. However, it's important to
    finish the phrase regarding man's responsibility: whosoever
    believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.
    You must come to Him in order to receive the forgiveness that
    He purchased for you.

  * Read the menu. You must spend time reading what God has
    prepared. Read your Bible, meditate on the Word. It will give
    you strength and illumination according to God's plan for
    your life. It will keep you on course and remind you of your
    responsibilities in order to fulfill the plan of God.

  * Count the fruit. If you are not willing to bear fruit for
    Him, then He is not obligated to answer your requests, even
    if you ask things in His name. Jesus declares, Everything
    that the Father gives me will come to me, and anyone who
    comes to me I will never drive away (John 6:37). The Holy
    Spirit inspires us to go to Jesus and do what He asks of us.
    His sovereignty makes the first move toward us, but because
    He gave us free will, we must move toward Him as well.

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Bro Tyler
--
Bro Tyler Nally 
Owner Higher-Fire Oneness Apostolic E-mailing list
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  "...prefer to hear educated blessings preach than ignorant blessing!"
  - Bro Robert Jay Brown III