More Nyuk, nyuks

• Messages sorted by:[ date ][ thread ][ subject ][ author ]

Long post, but definitely worth the hahahahahahas!
----------------------------

Gia Moran

----------
> While driving with our 2 year old daughter, Meghan, my wife asked her to 
 
> tell us the story of the Three Little Pigs.  This is her version of the  

> story.
> 
> Meghan:  "There is one piggy and" (brief pause) "aaaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhh!"
> (long pause where I turn to my wife and remark, "The wolf must have   
> gotten that one.")
> Meghan:  "The End."
> 
> **************
> 
>  A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
>      by Mark Twain
>  For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
> to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
> be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
> would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
> might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
> same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
> "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
>  Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
> with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
> or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
> Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
> ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
> ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
>  Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
> hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
> 
> **************
> 
> 30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
>       -- Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94.
> 
> 1.  Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
> The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
> services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
> the letterhead and continues to the back.  In essence, you have conceded
> that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
>     
> 
> 2.  You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least   
> one device on your body beep or buzz.
>     
> 
> 3.  You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
> because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
> laser printers.
> 
> 4.  You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
> to send your father a birthday card.
> 
> 5.  You disdain people who use low baud rates.
> 
> 6.  When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
> talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
> next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
> salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
> 
> 7.  You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
> thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
> 
> 8.  You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
> phrase "digital compression."  Everyone understands what you mean, and
> you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
> 
> 9.  You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
  
> social security number.
> 
> 10.  You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
> since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
> into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
> 
> 11.  You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
> 
> 12.  Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke
> symbols that are far more clever than :-).
> 
> 13.  You back up your data every day.
> 
> 14.  Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
  
> you return with a rest for your mouse.
> 
> 15.  You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
> 
> 16.  On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
  
> faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
> 
> 17.  The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
> enters your mind.
> 
> 18.  You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
> "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
> superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
> hand-drawn pie charts.
> 
> 19.  You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
> hall in advance.  But you cannot give someone directions to your house
> without looking up the street names.
> 
> 20.  You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
> 
> 21.  You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
> something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that
  
> you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
> about the product it is selling.
> 
> 22.  You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter- and
> three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
> 
> 23.  Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
> 
> 24.  You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know
> where they are.
> 
> 25.  While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
> surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
> nine-year-old.
> 
> 26.  You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure   
> enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question
instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
> 
> 27.  You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
> tires.
>     
> 
> 28.  You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
> own turns bread into charcoal.
>     
> 
> 29.  You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
> opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
>     
> 
> 30.  You understand all the jokes in this message.  If so, my friend,
> technology has taken over your life.  We suggest, for your own good, that
  
> you go lie under a tree and write a haiku.  And don't use a laptop.
>     
> 
> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>     
> 
> 31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
> around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the   
> phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people
face-to-face.
>     
> 
> 32. You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed
  
> them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.
> 
> 
> **********************
> 
>       9 ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS
> 
>      1.  Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
> 
>      2.  Thursday night - Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to
follow.
> 
>      3.  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
>          community.
> 
>      4.  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
>          nursery downstairs.
> 
>      5.  This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North
ends
>          of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.
> 
>      6.  This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
>          and lay an egg on the altar.
> 
>     7.  The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."  One of the
>          ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
> 
>     8.  A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
>          Music will follow.
> 
>     9.  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
>          Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.