Windows TP .... nyuk, nyuk

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                  WINDOWS for TELEPATHS
                  =====================

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wonderful and wise Oracle tell me how would one implement a version
> of Windows TP ...... windows for telepaths ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

You open the box labeled "Windows TP", carefully extracting the pouch
labeled "License Agreement". You examine the contents of the pouch,
finding an inflatable beanie bearing the Windows logo rather than the
familiar 3.5" diskette package. You inflate the beanie, insert two "C"-size
batteries (not included), and carefully place it on your head.

You press the Start button.

Immediately, the image of an hourglass comes to your mind. You find
yourself trapped; unable to move anything in your body save your eyes.

After an indeterminable delay, you regain control of your senses. You are
suddenly compelled to speak your name and business affiliation. You
then retrieve your Windows TP package and chant the Product-ID number.

Suddenly you see the words "Windows is detecting new hardware" flash before
your eyes.

You crash to the floor, writhing in agony. You feel every muscle in your
body contract and retract in turn. Your mind is filled with the image of
a blue inchworm, creeping slowly across a grey field. The creature finally
reaches the edge of its domain, and your seizure ceases. You take a
moment to regain your composure, and you are reminded of your high school
anatomy course as a complete listing of every organ in your
body appears before your eyes. You browse the list for a moment, and utter
the phrase "OK". After a short delay, you hear the sound of a
trumpet echo through the recesses of your mind.

You find yourself in a large, barren space. You look around, and discover
images labeled "My Brain", "Recycle Bin, and "Set up the Microsoft
Network". You feel compelled to utter the word "Start", after which a list
of options floods your mind. Weary from the detection phase, you
utter the word "Shut down". You close your eyes, and blackness surrounds
you. You feel yourself start to drift into sleep. Your peace is
interrupted, however, as a bright orange light invades your nothingness.
"It's now safe to shut down your mind".

You drift into unconsciousness, and sleep for several hours.

When you awaken, you are frozen in place as you see clouds and blue cycling
colors. After a short eternity, the familiar "My Brain" icon
reappears in your mind. But something is terribly wrong; you can feel it in
your gut. Just outside the range of primary vision, you can sense
something lurking about you on all four sides. You slowly look up, and see
the word "Safe Mode" glaring back at you. You back away slowly,
swivel your head, and there it is, behind you as well. Your heartbeat
quickened and you are terrified as you turn to your left and your right
and it meets you there as well, its cold, heartless glare filling your soul
with despair. Quickly, you summon Control Panel, System, Device
Manager. You feel yourself frantically gasping for air as you run through
the list of installed devices. You come upon "Respiratory System" and
are horrified to see a black exclamation point on a yellow field next to
the entry "Lungs". You close your eyes and utter the word "Properties".
On the closed curtains of your eyelids, you see your life flashing before
your eyes.

You force yourself to concentrate on your situation, attempting to discover
which system devices are in conflict, when suddenly your entire
body seizes up in pain.

You lose all sense of reality. You are floating through the clouds as you
hear a voice echo through your mind: "This program has performed
an illegal operation and will be terminated." You start to black out and
suddenly you remember your situation. You stare in horror at your blue
extremities, knowing that, without oxygen, you will not last much longer.
With all the consciousness you can muster, you force yourself...

To reboot.

You awaken in a place that is dark, but familiar. A solitary white prompt
on a black field greets you. You look behind you and see the wreckage
of the operating system that nearly spelled your demise. "Cannot find a
file that may be needed to run Windows". You turn around to face the
prompt, and a wide grin comes across your face. You take a deep breath and
revel in the life-giving atmosphere. You laugh as you utter the
words,

"DELTREE WINDOWS".

Suddenly you find yourself on the floor of your home. You find the charred
remains of the Windows TP beanie littering the floor. You carefully
gather them up, stack them neatly on an altar, and burn them, promising
yourself never to risk your life with Microsoft again. You bury the
ashes, knowing that your life is again in order.

You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows TP and Bill Gates' home address.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

PROGRAMMER'S POEM
==================

                  <>!*''#
                  ^@`$$-
                  *!'$_
                  %*<>#4
                  &)../
                  {~|**SYSTEM HALTED

translation.....

         waka waka bang splat tick tick hash
         carat at back-tick dollar dollar dash
         splat bang tick dollar underscore
         percent splat waka waka number four
         amperstand right-paren dot dot slash
         curly bracket tilde pipe splat splat crash

--                                            
 ______ ___   __ _____ __    __   __  __ tnally@iquest.net
|_    _|   \ |  |  _  |  |  |  |  \ \/ / tgnally@prairienet.org
  |  | |  |\\|  |  _  |  |__|  |__ |  |  T. Nally - "A M.I.M.E. is a
  |__| |__| \___|_| |_|_____|_____||__|  a terrible thing to waste."