Skiing glossary .... nyuk, nyuk

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Wow!  Tonight we're having our first snow of the season here in
Minneapolis!  My little brother who is going to college in Moorhead, MN
said that 6 inches (15 cm) of snow fell near where he lives. Now that
winter has started, we can start skiing very soon, I thought I'd better
send out the Minnesota Skier's Guide.
============================================
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request
for assistance made by a European.

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport.  See also: Blizzard,
First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury
during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering
across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body.  No need for dismay, however;
the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique.
It's good exercise, doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets.  It
has no crowds or lines.  See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic
wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the
ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping
through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the
puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the
slopes:
1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your skis on
and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;  then,
holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should
also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness
within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak
force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which
produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots.  See
Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or
speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion.  Goes along
with these other physical laws:
1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have the same
rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home
care bills.
2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a
parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see "Tree")

Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before
losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either a
pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple
profanity.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from
the strained ankle begins.

Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill.  Another warning skiers should be familiar with is  "Avalanche!"
(which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
little crossed and darting in all directions.  Your lips should be
quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"

Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.
--                                            
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