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Insert disclaimer about women, men, cats, dogs, and Blondes of all the
above..

SHE WAS SO BLONDE.................

- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it   said
"concentrate"
- she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
- she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- she sat on the tv and watched the couch
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- she tried to drown a fish
- she thought a quarterback was a refund
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
- she tripped over a cordless phone
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- she studied for a blood test - and failed
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
- she sold the car for gas money
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left" she   turned around and went home

**********************************************************************************************
MEN VS. WOMEN

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They
just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops
in their "p's" and "g's". It is a      royal pain to read a note from a
woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a      smiley face at the
end of the note.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
toothpaste,     shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn. The      average number of items in the typical
woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of
these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to
the     store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog
or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them
any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning
for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to
go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on
her makeup..

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, That must
have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.


DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man
will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth  perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

THE WEDDING: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the     
ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". 

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women
are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use
the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit
her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in
unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
consider this to  be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for
directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know
I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last
man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older,  their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.
Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using  the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.
*********************************************************************************************

There are these three men and they're out having a relaxing day fishing.
Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return
for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the men just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can
really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.". The mermaid says: "Done".
Suddenly, the man starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it
with extreme insight.

The second man is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q.". The
mermaid says: "Done". The man starts to spout out all the mathematical
solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of
varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he
says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q.". 

The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to
change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd
reconsider". The male says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times
five, and if you don't do  it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll
change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something
else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said,
the man insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual
power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done".

And he became a woman.