Seasonal nyuk, nyuk's

• Messages sorted by:[ date ][ thread ][ subject ][ author ]

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the
habit.  One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her
red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume
of the devil.  On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church
where a revival meeting was in progress.

At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter
through the doors and windows.

One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the
seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a
member of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side
all the time."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween.  Consider some old
Halloween activities, for example:

* Witch burning -- Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types
  will be on you like stink on ----.  What 30 centuries of white male
  authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired,
  wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn.

* Window waxing -- These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-,
  motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and
  revolving lights -- if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg
  with the neighborhood rottweiler.

* Trick-or-treating -- This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of
  federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators
  are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the
  law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.

And then there are the treats themselves:

* Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-
  bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.
* Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine
  American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out.  Any
  worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their
  native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

SUPERMAN

When a little boy dressed as Superman for Halloween held out his hands
to receive some candy, I asked him where his trick-or-treat bag was.  He
explained that his mom was carrying it because it was too heavy for him
to handle.  "But you're Superman," I said.

The little boy looked down at the big "S" on his chest, then looked at
me in disbelief and replied, "No ma'am.  These are only pajamas."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

ROCKY

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in
boxing gloves and satin shorts.  Soon after I gave him some goodies, he
returned for more.  "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep
several minutes ago?" I asked.  "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the
sequel.  I'll be back three more times tonight too." 
--
 ______ ___   __ _____ __    __   __  __ tnally@iquest.net
|_    _|   \ |  |  _  |  |  |  |  \ \/ / tgnally@prairienet.org
  |  | |  |\\|  |  _  |  |__|  |__ |  |  T. Nally - "A M.I.M.E. is a
  |__| |__| \___|_| |_|_____|_____||__|  a terrible thing to waste."