Dogs and Computers ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Thu, 01 Oct 1998 12:00:00 -0500
Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
Dogs: dog not found
Computers: file not found
Favorite trick
Dogs: roll over
Computers: play dead
Comic-page hero
Dogs: Dogbert
Computers: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads
Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth
Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
Dogs: replace valuable carpeting
Computers: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate
Dogs: leash law
Computers: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool
Dogs: pooper-scooper
Computers: uninstaller
Sensitive internal procedures
Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one
kind of like this once
Method of marking territory
Dogs: lifting leg
Computers: "Designed for Windows 95"
Unique behavior
Dogs: lick and drag
Computers: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
Dogs: dewclaw
Computers: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan
Dogs: 12 years
Computers: 12 months
At end of useful life
Dogs: euthanasia
Computers: tax deduction
___________________________________________________________________________
One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will
cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock
it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the
teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my
students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just
$10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"
___________________________________________________________________________
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a
complete stop on the freeway ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver
still waited.
Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign
says 'Yield', not "give up!"
___________________________________________________________________________
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with
Once Upon A Time?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy
Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
___________________________________________________________________________
All Purpose Excuse Form
All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've
gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works
best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective
this form can be!
Dear
a) Mom
b) Dad
c) love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated
prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true
that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent
carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know
that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had,
joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail,
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially
one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Me.
_____________________________________________________________________________
SIGN SEEN IN THE WINDOW OF A TRAVEL AGENCY:
"Please go away."
SIGN SEEN IN THE WINDOW OF A HEALTH FOOD STORE:
"Closed due to illness."
SIGN IN THE WAITING ROOM OF A VETERINARIAN:
"Be back in five minutes. Sit. Stay."
SIGN SEEN ON A SECRETARY'S DESK #1:
"If you'll just state your business and go away
quietly, no one will get hurt."
SIGN SEEN ON A SECRETARY'S DESK #2:
"Lack of planning on your part does not constitute
an emergency on my part."
____________________________________________________________________________
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing
it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day,
decided he just had to play golf. So ... he told the Associate
Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for
him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to
let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards
the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the
hole.
It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked
at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
____________________________________________________________________________
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large
puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So...one bird
flies over the puddle of oil and the other bird swims through it.
Which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course,
because we all know "da oily boid gets da woim."
____________________________________________________________________________
"What Cats Do For Us"
~Warm our laps
~Give us someone to talk to
~Help reduce high blood pressure
~Bring the winter air inside, nestled in their coats
~Create a kindred feeling with other "cat people"
~Turn common household objects like bottle caps into toys
~Make us more aware of birds
~Donate their services as alarm clocks (There is no such
thing as a snooze button on the cat who wants breakfast!
She'll walk on you to get you up! - LadyHawke)
~Display daring acrobatic feats right in front of our eyes
~Contribute to living a longer life
~Make a window sill more beautiful
~Keep mice on the run
~Make us smile
~Inspire poets and playwrights
~Teach us how to land on our feet
~Let us indulge our desires to really spoil someone
~Make our homes warmer
~Remind us that life is mysterious
~Share with us the all-is-well experience of purring
~Instruct us in the luxurious art of stretching
~Show us how to lick our wounds and go on
~Give us cool cartoon characters
~Make even an old worn couch look beautiful
~Open our hearts
____________________________________________________________________________
What's that Word?
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in
back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last
night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the
restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little.
What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a
thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at
last night?"
_____________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Young Love
* Young teen to friend: "I'll never understand girls, even if I should
live to be twenty."
*Frustrated fem: "And if I turn you down, you'll kill yourself, right ?"
Anxious boy: "Well... that's what I usually do."
* "Ohhhh Harold." wailed the young miss. "If there was a weather report
on your brain, it would be 'Dense fog -- relative stupidity 100%'."
* A young teen sent his girlfriend a dozen long stemmed roses. It
had the following note on the attached card: "With all my love,
and most of my allowance.
* The Yuppie and Yuppette, ever alert to "appearances", were both
very concerned over the girl their son was dating.
"Son..." the Father began, "I should think you'd be a little more
particular over the company you keep."
"Dad," the boy replied, "If you're talking about Mitzi, I'm sorry
but she's the best girl I can get with the car I have."
* The scrawny young miss with train-track braces on her teeth and
an overly large retainer was hanging near the library's information
desk as if she wanted to ask a question, but was afraid to.
Finally, the librarian smiled at the shy lil' girl and said, "Is
there something I can help you find ?"
"Well..." she blushed. "would you know if you have a current copy
of 'Scouting for Boys' ?"
_____________________________________________________________________________
The Paradox of our Age
We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower
viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time;
we have more degrees, but less common sense; more knowledge, but less
judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too
quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too
much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and lie too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life,
not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the
street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things,
but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've
split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan
more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower
morals; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer
friends; more effort, but less success.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies
than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but
short on quality.
These are the times of fast food and slow digestion; tall men and short
character; steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure,
and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but
broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to
quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window, and nothing in the
stockroom.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Robinson Caruso (Pun)
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma,
he called for his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing what else
to do, went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced around and prayed for
God to come and help his master.
Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master
awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed.
"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.
His helper answered, ... "Thank Friday! It's God!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
Today, some thoughts from a friend. I guess you could call
them his instructions for life. They aren't original, but they
sure give us some food for thought... and meditation.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize a favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.
8. Marry a spouse you love to talk to. (This will become important.)
9. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each
other is greater than your need for each other.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. Stick to the issue.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly, but think quickly.
13. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to fix it.
14. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
15. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
16. Call your mom.
17. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;
Responsibility for your actions.
19. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
20. A loving atmosphere in your home is vital. Do all you can to create it.
21. Read between the lines.
22. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are
living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
26. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God
29. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
30. Read more books and watch less TV.
31. Mind your own business, but take care of your "neighbor."
37. Learn the rules.
32. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
33. Remember that your character is your destiny.
34. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
35. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
_____________________________________________________________________________
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can
never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a
mailbox in my car.
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
_____________________________________________________________________________
Did you Hear about the confused person who..
*Waited on the street corner with a piece of bread
to get some traffic jam.
*Saluted the refrigerator because it was a General Electric.
*Went to the lumber yard to see the Board of Education.
*Ate some pennies and then asked if people saw any change in him.
*Cut off his hands so he could play the piano by ear.
*Put birdseed in his shoes to feed his pigeon toes.
*Knocked on the lamp post because he saw a light upstairs and knew
someone was home.
*Brought a ladder to the party because the drinks were on the house.
*Put his chin on the curb to get his mind out of the gutter.
*Jumped from a skyscraper to show he had guts.
*Put a chair in the coffin for rigor mortis to set in.
*Took his pregnant wife to the grocery store because he heard they had
free delivery.
*Filled the gym with water because he heard he was going in as a sub.
*Was so modest he went into the closet to change his mind.
*Thought he was upside down because his nose ran and his feet smelled.
*Put his best friend through the meat grinder so he could scrape up
a new acquaintance.
*Took the street car home and his mother made him take it back.
*Backed out of the street car because he heard that as soon as he got up
someone would take his seat.
*Took his nose apart to see what made it run.
*Pulled out his teeth so he would have more gum to chew.
____________________________________________________________________________
"Henpecked?" Who Me????
Up in Heaven there are two lines: One with a sign that
says, "If you were Henpecked, line up here", the other
saying, "If you weren't henpecked, stand here."
One day St. Peter was looking at the new arrivals, and
he saw the "Henpecked" line going on forever... while the
"Non-henpecked" line only had 1 guy standing in it.
St. Peter walked up to him and said, "You mean to tell me
you were never henpecked in your whole life??"
The guy said, "Well I guess not, this is where my wife told
me to stand."
____________________________________________________________________________
The Assertive Husband!
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist
to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully
you," he said, "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He
went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his
wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking
orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when
you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.
Tonight I am going out with he boys. You are going to
stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you
know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his smiling wife calmly and
rather sweetly, "The undertaker."
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
ICQ: http://wwp.mirabilis.com/3658585
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