Y2K - 100GB ... same problem ... nyuk, nyuk

Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Wed, 14 Oct 1998 11:20:38

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Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and
deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of
hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99
billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks,
that number will roll over to 100GB.

McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of
selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So
the signs have only two decimal places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's
signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will
convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers
have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer
confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in
sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company
into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American
economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total
devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it,
and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know - the sign-makers - are really scared of 100GB,"
one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of
THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."
___________________________________________________________________________

AOL OATH

raise your mouse and repeat:

I _state your name_ promise to be online at all possible times To
answer all mail from people I know. To boldly Surf, Click, Check,
Search, Chat, LOL, ROFL, :), {}, BRB and any others like nobody
has done before.

I will be pleasent and kind to all AOL members (except the cyber
geeks unless im really in the mood) I will remember screen names
as I would my own parents names as AOL is now my parent, my
god, my master I am addicted and vow to complete my quest to
find out who the hell is General Fault and why is he in my Computer

To AOL members everywhere take the oath and rejoice!
___________________________________________________________________________

Brian sends>

You know you're in a red-neck hospital when.....

---Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.

---Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.

---Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.

---Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and
a string.

---Anaesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a
mason jar.

---Your Gynaecologist is Ernest.

---The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.

---Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.

---Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.

---Immunisations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's
beaks and pig's ears.

---Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning
Channel.

---You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.

---You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.

---The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Redneck Medical Terms:
Benign..............................What you be after you be eight.
Artery...............................The study of paintings.
Bacteria............................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..............................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome.
CATscan...........................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize...........................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................................A sheep dog.
Coma................................A punctuation mark.
D & C...............................Where Washington is.
Dilate................................To live long.
Enema..............................Not a friend.
Fester...............................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................................A small lie.
Genital..............................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series........................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail................... ........What you hang your coat on.
Impotent................. ..........Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.........................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.......................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid....................... ........A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.............................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.................................I knew it.
Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear........................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.............................Pert'near killed him.
Secretion...........................Hiding something.
Seizure..............................Roman emperor.
Tablet................................A small table.
Terminal Illness..................Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor................................More than one.
Urine.................................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose............................Near by/close by
____________________________________________________________________________

TOTALLY USELESS INFORMATION
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the
bottom more.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used
his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so
he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he
was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He
said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't
looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration
there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
____________________________________________________________________________

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children
returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her
students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.

I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more
snow."
_____________________________________________________________________________

On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a
church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was
St. Francis' Church. "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son
said. "We've got one of those in our town too."
__________________________________________________________________________

CLOSE TO HOME?
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on
Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back
their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote: "Dear God,We
had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there."
__________________________________________________________________________

On Sunday morning a father gave his son a couple of quarters and a
dollar. "Put the dollar in the offering," the father said. "Then you can
have the fifty cents for ice cream." When the boy came home he still
had the dollar. "Why didn't you put the dollar in the offering?" his
father asked. "Well, it was like this," the boy explained. "The
preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I could give the fifty
cents a whole lot more cheerfully than I could the dollar."
__________________________________________________________________________

TEN LITTLE CHRISTIANS
10 Little Christians standing in line
1 disliked the preacher, then there were 9
9 little Christians stayed up very late
1 overslept Sunday, then there were 8
8 little Christians on their way to Heaven
1 took the low road and then there were 7
7 little Christians chirping like chicks
1 disliked music, then there were 6
6 little Christians seemed very much alive
but one lost his interest then there was 5
5 little Christians pulling for Heaven's Shore
but one stopped to rest , then there were 4
4 little Christians each busy as a bee
1 got his feelings hurt, then there were 3
3 little Christians knew not what to do
1 joined the sporty crowd, then there were 2
2 little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done
differed with each other, then there was 1
1 little Christian can't do much 'tis true
brought his friend to bible study- - then there were 2
2 earnest Christians, each won one more
That doubled the number, then there were 4
4 sincere Christians worked early and late
Each won another then there were 8
8 splendid Christians if they doubled as before
In just so many Sundays, we'd have 1,024
In this little jingle, there is a lesson true,
you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew!
- Author unknown
____________________________________________________________________________

If I Had A Second Chance
:
I'd stop looking and start seeing,
And treat everyone as a human being.

I'd stop taking and start giving,
Stop hiding and start living.

I'd do more listening and a lot less talking,
Enjoy the world and do more walking.

I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes,
To notice the trees and the beautiful sky.
:
I'd stop criticizing and show more love,
Be less forgetful and give thanks up above.

I'd be less angry and swallow my pride,
And share with the world what I have inside.

I'd stop hating and be more kind,
And give a little more of my precious time.

I'd give more encouragement and a lot more praise,
And do a lot less judging for I too have lost my way.

I'd get my priorities in order and straight,
Better now than never Lord, I'm just a bit too late.

I'd stop hopelessly chasing after the wind,
From this point on a new I begin.

I'd find my way back to the Lord's humble grace,
With a vow never again to lose my place,
:
I'm changing my life and I've made a stance,
Oh Lord, what I wouldn't give for a second chance.
____________________________________________________________________________

D.O.A. and Next Of Kin Notification:

A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and
several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.

In desperation, the good Reverend called the Mayor and asked what
should be done.

The Mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked.
"You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead."

The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at
least notify the next-of-kin."
_____________________________________________________________________________

Listen to me closely and carefully!

A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was flying around.

He shushed it away with his hand and it flew in the cow's ear.

He kept milking and the fly came out in the milk bucket.

The farmer thought......."In one ear and out the udder".
_____________________________________________________________________________

TIPS (Not Necessarily by Martha Stewart)
*OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

*A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a
handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

*FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

*DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

*SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.

*AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

*RETIREES. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for
a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front
window.

*OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

*TAKE your garbage can to the supermarket with you so that you can see
which items you have recently run out of.

*MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand and a bag of salt into the bath.

*SAVE on charity donations by spending a $10 on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for $5 to another charity shop. This way you can
give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
_____________________________________________________________________________

God loves a Cheerful Giver::
On Sunday morning a father gave his son a couple of quarters and a dollar.
"Put the dollar in the offering," the father said. "Then you can have the
fifty cents for ice cream."
When the boy came home he still had the dollar. "Why didn't you put the
dollar in the offering?" his father asked. "Well, it was like this," the
boy explained. "The preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I could
give the fifty cents a whole lot more cheerfully than I could the dollar."
_____________________________________________________________________________

That's The Truth!.

*"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in
1973.

*"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first
showing of The Wizard Of Oz.

*"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." -
Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.

*"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is
scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin,
1897-9.

*"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing
Elvis Presley in 1954.

*"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive,
advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.

*"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film
company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.

*"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." -
Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank
Whittle's plan for the jet engine.

*"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World
Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301
cases.

*"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada,
1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.

*"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in
explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.

*"All saved from Titanic after collision."
- New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.

*"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.

*"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times
editor Rex Lambert, 1936.

*"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the
US Patent Office, 1899.

*"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris
in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the
late 1960s.
_____________________________________________________________________________

To Tell The Truth........Ahemmmmmmm!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said....
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
_____________________________________________________________________________

The Little Laboratory Rabbit's Hook Line and Sinker!
He got it all!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he
had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the
compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for
the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and
started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits
do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots
growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he
spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that
as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared
at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab.
I'm dying for a cigarette."
_____________________________________________________________________________

You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When...

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation
with six other people you don't know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and
"improvement opportunities."
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as
"highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line."
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between
"re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
19. You refer to your significant other as "my Co-CEO."
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an
expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your
spouse produce another child.
25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting
about their brand equity.
26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a white board and
Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Getting Your Money's Worth!
One Saturday I rushed to the supermarket to get groceries for a big
Sunday dinner. At home, however, I noticed the checker had charged me
$1.68 for the ham instead of $16.80. My husband quickly drove to the
store with the ham and the receipt, but the checker said it was
her mistake and that there would be no extra charge. Pleased with his
honest efforts, my husband then returned to his car -- only to find a
$15 parking ticket attached to a windshield.
_____________________________________________________________________________

INSPIRATIONAL"Refuse to be Discouraged"
I refuse to be discouraged,
To be sad, or to cry;
I refuse to be downhearted,
And here's the reason why:
I have a God who's mighty-
Who's sovereign and supreme;
I have a God who loves me,
And I am on His team.
He is all-wise and powerful-
Jehovah is His name;
Though everything is changeable,
My God remains the same.
My God knows all that's happening-
Beginning to the end;
His presence is my comfort;
He is my dearest Friend.
When sickness comes to weaken me-
To bring my head down low,
I call upon my mighty God;
Into His arms I go.
When circumstances threaten
To rob me of my peace,
He draws me close unto His breast
Where all my strivings cease.
When my heart melts within me,
And weakness takes control,
He gathers me into His arms-
He soothes my heart and soul.
The great "I AM" is with me-
My life is in His hand;
The "God of Jacob" is my hope;
It's in His strength I stand.
I refuse to be defeated-
My eyes are on my God;
He has promised to be with me
As through this life I trod.
I'm looking past all my circumstances
To Heaven's throne above;
My prayers have reached the heart of God-
I'm resting in His love.
I give God thanks in everything-
My eyes are on His face;
The battle's His, the vict'ry mine;
He'll help me win the race.
____________________________________________________________________________

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local
corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but
the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or
two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would
offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10
cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it
was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside
and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you
don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing
the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared
on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop
doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
_____________________________________________________________________________

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up
sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Success is never final and failure is never fatal.
It's courage that counts.

- Jules Ellinger
_____________________________________________________________________________

WHAT IF . . .

WHAT IF . . . God couldn't take the time to bless us today because we
couldn't take the time to thank Him yesterday?

WHAT IF . . . God decided to stop leading us tomorrow because we did
not follow Him today?

WHAT IF . . . We never saw another flower bloom because we grumbled
when God sent the rain?

WHAT IF . . . God took away the Bible tomorrow because we would not
read it today?

WHAT IF . . . God took away His message because we failed to listen to
His messenger?

WHAT IF . . . The door of the church was closed because we did not open
to door of our heart?

WHAT IF . . . God stopped loving and caring for us because we failed to
love and care for others?

WHAT IF . . . God wouldn't hear us today because we would not listen to
Him yesterday?

WHAT IF . . . God answered our prayers the way we answer His call for
service?
_____________________________________________________________________________

Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is
what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. - Abraham Lincoln
_____________________________________________________________________________

LITTLE KNOWN FACT
The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague
Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring
around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly so common
folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so
that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of
posies..."), People who died from the plague would be burned so as to
reduce the possible spread ofthe disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all
fall down!")
_____________________________________________________________________________

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a
baby. -- Natalie Wood
_____________________________________________________________________________

For race car fans:

An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon
entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and
asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car
was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again
he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven.
In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars
get put on display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet -
the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit.
At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter -
Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to
tell me he has just died?!?

"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it on
weekends."
_____________________________________________________________________________

An Arkansas family with nine sons all voted Democratic at every
election -- all except one boy. A friend asked the Father to
explain this fall from grace. The boy's Father said, "I've always
tried to bring them boys up right, but Johnny, the ornery cuss, got to
readin' and..."
_____________________________________________________________________________

Several weeks after receiving an $ 11,200 check in payment from her
insurance company for missing jewelry, an elderly woman found the
missing items in her closet. She wrote the insurance company: "I didn't
think it was right to keep both the jewelry and the money, so you'll be
pleased to know I've made a donation in your name to the American Red
Cross."
--
Bro Tyler Nally
<tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org> <tn@higherfire.org>

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