Choice permitted or not to women?

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On Sun, 18 Oct 1998 17:36:41, -0500 LSVH37A@prodigy.com (MRS LAURA M
ALLEN) writes:
>and we shall all answer personaly to Him on this matter (Rom 14:12)  
>Perfect confidence and trust in one another--no checking up on ea. 
>other--is absolutely essential for happiness.  Don't you think that a
partner should stop trying to "figure out" his/her spouse and spend 
>more time trying to please him or her? 

 I think the trouble comes in when one spouse or another has already
broken trust.  When trust has been broken, I feel like people loose their
right to privacy. People prove their trustworthiness by their actions.
There are countless factors involved in privacy situations. When trust
has been broken, the rules have to change in order for that marriage to
survive.  For example: if a husband has been unfaithful, he has no right
to expect a wife to trust him (same in reverse).  All the cries of "You
don't trust me!" ring hollow.  After all, he's ripped her heart out, and
he's whining that she doesn't "trust" him. He should be bending over
backwards to try and earn her trust back.  There really can be no room
for secrets here.  She should be able to root through his wallet if she
wants.( Same in reverse.) She should be able to do whatever it takes to
gain trust back because it is needed in this case.  In this scenario, the
cry for "rights", particularily on the behalf of the offender shouldn't
be heeded.

 Often it is the offender that cries the loudest about rights. It seems
the ones who cry "You don't trust me!" and try to control by guilt are
the very ones who have the real problem. 

If someone stays out late without calling, who is responsible? The person
who didn't call or the one who didn't "trust" the spouse? (The person who
didn't call)

If someone plays on the internet and suddenly turns it off every time the
spouse walks in the room, who is responsible? Is it lack of trust to
question? (No)

Trust begins where respect for another begins.  If one spouse continually
has a lack of respect for the feelings of their spouse, is it the lack of
respect or the lack of "trust" that is the problem? (The lack of respect)

One cannot continually berate and disrespect a spouse and then cry that
there is a "lack of trust".  Of course there is a lack of trust.  It only
stands to reason that there would be.

If a spouse demands to know something, whether a person has a right to
keep a secret depends much on the relationship as a whole.  If a spouse
has never given any reason for lack of trust, it's a problem on the part
of the other person.  If a spouse has given reason for lack of trust, for
the sake of the relationship, I think there should be no secrets.  If the
offending spouse cannot agree to no secrets for the sake of the
relationship, I think that spouse has proven that the relationship is not
top priority. In my experience, it would seem that the spouse who refuses
to respect the other constantly demands it. The spouse who is always
yelling about trust refuses to earn it. The spouse who refuses to take
any responsibility constantly criticizes any effort the other one takes.
And so... Yes, I think there is room for secrets....but I think the
marriage should come first. When is it "harassing" and when is it
"respecting anothers right to privacy?"  Harassment, in my definition, is
when a spouse uses down-grading, dignity taking remarks to force someone
to do what they want because they feel out of control. ( This is not the
same as someone who has been deeply hurt by a break of trust needing
reassurance.)  Respecting anothers right to privacy comes when trust is
there already.  When the spouse knows that the other would just LOVE to
tell them, but they can't.  

Lynne Yohnk
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