Redundancies and Oxymorons .... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Fri, 23 Oct 1998 16:54:25
FAVORITE REDUNDANCIES
-------------------------------
added bonus
exactly right
closed fist
future potential
inner core
money-back refund
seeing the sights
true fact
revert back
safe haven
prior history
young children
time period
sum total
end result
temper tantrum
ferryboat
free gift
bare naked
combined total
unique individual
potential hazard
joint cooperation
total abstinence
subject matter
honest truth
join together
general public
harbinger of things to come
new initiative
audible gasp
advance warning
execution-style killing
future plans
gather together
Jewish synagogue
lag behind
manual dexterity
occasional irregularity
outer rim
plan ahead
basic fundamentals
first time ever
personal friend
shrug one's shoulders
bond together
close proximity
ATM machine
PIN number
coequal
common bond
small minority
serious crisis
personal belongings
security guard
time clock
foreign imports
exact same
continue on
focus in
convicted felon
past experience
consensus of opinion
finished product
schoolteacher
linger on
FAVORITE OXYMORONS
-------------------------------
assistant supervisor
new tradition
original copy
plastic glass
uninvited guest
highly depressed
live recording
authentic reproduction
partial cease-fire
limited lifetime guarantee
elevated subway
dry lake
true replica
forward lateral
standard options
mandatory options
mutual differences
nondairy creamer
open secret
resident alien
silent alarm
sports sedan
wireless cable
mercy killing
lethal assistance (Contra aid)
business ethics
friendly fire
genuine veneer
full-time day care
death benefits
holy war
___________________________________________________________________________
Try Something Different
I'm sitting in a quiet room at the Milcroft Inn, a peaceful
little place hidden back among the pine trees about an hour out of
Toronto. It's just past noon, late July, and I'm listening to the
desperate sounds of a life-or-death struggle going on a few feet away.
There's a small fly burning out the last of its short life's
energies in a futile attempt to fly through the glass of the
windowpane. The whining wings tell the poignant story of the fly's
strategy: Try harder. But it's not working.
The frenzied effort offers no hope for survival. Ironically, the
struggle is part of the trap. It is impossible for the fly to try hard
enough to succeed at breaking through the glass. Nevertheless, this
little insect has staked its life on reaching its goal through raw
effort and determination.
This fly is doomed. It will die there on the windowsill.
Across the room, ten steps away, the door is open. Ten seconds of
flying time and this small creature could reach the outside world it
seeks. With only a fraction of the effort now being wasted, it could be
free of this selfimposed trap. The breakthrough possibility is there.
It would be so easy.
Why doesn't the fly try another approach, something dramatically
different? How did it get so locked in on the idea that this particular
route and determined effort offer the most promise for success? What
logic is there in continuing until death to seek a breakthrough with
more of the same?
No doubt this approach makes sense to the fly. Regrettably, it's
an idea that will kill.
Trying harder isn't necessarily the solution to achieving more.
It may not offer any real promise for getting what you want out of
life. Sometimes, in fact, it's a big part of the problem.
If you stake your hopes for a breakthrough on trying harder than
ever, you may kill your chances for success.
By Price Pritchett
from Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1993 by Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
___________________________________________________________________________
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone
bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he
decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business and my house,
and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and
my car, and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for
help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just
let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe
hears the voice of God Himself.
"JOE, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE. BUY A TICKET!"
____________________________________________________________________________
A policeman pulls a man over:
"Sir, I noticed that your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
"Officer, I noticed that your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating
donuts?"
____________________________________________________________________________
Two golfers were beginning an afternoon game. The first sent his
ball down the fairway, but the second put his into the water trap. "Too
bad - you're in the drink pal!" his partner said.
"No worries!" said the first, as they approached the pond. The
first man watched in amazement as the ball surfaced with a little
inflatable pontoon around it, sprouted a motor and propelled itself to
the bank were it's owner was standing. The appendages retracted back
into the ball as the owner scooped it up.
"That's amazing!" cried the first golfer, "I've never seen anything
like that." He just smiled and prepared for his next shot, which went
into the rough. "Oh, no - You'll have a hard time finding your ball in
there!" Before the second could respond, he heard a "whirrrr!" sound
as a patch of grass was cut down smooth around the ball. He witnessed
the spinning blade disappear back into the top of the ball.
"Astounding! How can it do that?" demanded the first man, but the
second man was already swinging, sending the ball way over the green,
towards the treeline. "It will be lost for good in those woods!" the
first man gasped. However, just as the ball passed above the hole, a
little parachute popped out of the top and the ball flutters right down
onto the green.
"Wow, that's unbelievable. Where could *I* get a ball like that?!?"
"I don't know," the first man shrugged, "I found this one."
____________________________________________________________________________
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total-loss
and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his
friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the
leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
____________________________________________________________________________
A blonde stood upon the banks of a raging river, looking for a way to
cross. The rapids looked far too treacherous to risk, so the blonde
started along the bank looking for a better place to wade across.
After several minutes of hiking, the blond spied a second blonde on the
far bank of the river.
"Hey!" the first blonde called to the second. "How do I get over to the
other side?"
"Idiot," sneered the second blonde. "You *are* on the other side."
____________________________________________________________________________
COMPUTER ONE LINERS
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
'.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
Computers are only human.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
chance. -Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
The programmer's nat'l anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH' - Weinberg, p. 152
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must
be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
"Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE"
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
____________________________________________________________________________
A man kept bragging to his neighbor about how smart his bird dog was.
The neighbor growing tired of his bragging finally said "Let's take
that dog out and see what it can really do."
Early the next morning, they started out through a cotton field and
came to a small clump of bushes on the edge of the field. The dog's
owner sent the dog in and the dog came out and patted his foot one
time. "There is one bird in that bush," said the owner. Sure enough
he sent the dog back in and he flushed one bird.
Going on down the field, they came to a second clump of bushes. Again
the dog was sent in and coming out patted his foot twice. "There is
two birds in the bush," said the owner. Sure enough, the dog flushed
two birds.
Down in the corner of the cotton patch was a large bunch of bushes.
The dog's owner sent the dog into the bushes and the dog came back
out and seemed to go crazy. He started yanking cotton out of the
stalks and grabbed a stick and started shaking it around. "What is
wrong with that crazy dog," said the neighbor. "You have to be able
to read that dog," said the owner. "There is more cotton picking
birds in that bush than you can shake a stick at."
____________________________________________________________________________
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED:
Ausssies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their awful programs, which no one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other
fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and
how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they played them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past
citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present
citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once
Canadian.
Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once
outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid
assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old
ways.
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great commedians, like John Candy, Martin
Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
because they don't understand subtle humor.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his
Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to
him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed
away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
_____________________________________________________________________________
Two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when one
of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail.
"Why did you step on that snail, Tom?!," asked his perplexed coworker.
"Cause that darn snail's been following me around work all day!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
A white lady on business arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting. She
was very nervous and distressed about her safety and the danger she
felt lurked around every corner. After checking in at the front desk
she headed to the elevator.
Upon arriving at the elevator there were already 3 black men on it. She
quickly debated with herself about the situation. "This is ridiculous, I
have nothing to fear from these men, here in the middle of a reputable
hotel. OK, no problem, I'm going to ride this elevator, etc...."
She then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the 3
men and faced the door. Shortly after the door closed, she heard one of
the men say, "Hit the floor, lady." She immediately dropped to her
stomach in terror. Upon her quick dive for the floor the 3 men broke
out hysterically in laughter. The man after all, had simply meant for
her to select the floor she wished to go to. She was terribly shaken
and embarrassed about the whole thing, but tried to shake it off as she
had several days of business to attend to.
At the end of her stay she went to check out of the hotel and pay for
her room. To her confusion the clerk informed her that her room had been
taken care of. He then handed her a note and explained that it had been
left by the person who had picked up the tab for the room.
And the note said : "Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an
elevator." ...... Eddie Murphy
____________________________________________________________________________
A man who despised his city's Building Department decided to re-roof
his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do
this,but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and
was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the
end of the house.
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted
wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof,but
managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge
of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house,
resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummelled
with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the
man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he
was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in
the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police
arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities
six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling
off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off
the edge of your roof without a permit. ... That's a clear case of
illegal eavesdropping."
____________________________________________________________________________
Church bulletin bloopers ...
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm.
Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George
Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his
birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.
Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full
choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev.
Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary...
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.
And an original...
Announcement from the Pulpit by the Associate Pastor:
"Please keep a close watch on your children as they play outside.
Several snakes have been seen around the edge of the woods... " (then
without skipping a beat) "Our Easter egg hunt is this Saturday here
at the church...!"
Author unknown
____________________________________________________________________________
Proper Icon Care
Most contemporary icons are produced with great care and attention to
detail.However, being subjected to repeated clicking and constant
bombardment by cathode rays they tend to deteriorate over time.
In order to maintain their graphic integrity it is recommended that the
following procedure be followed at least once every six months:
1. Remove the icon from the monitor, being careful to handle it only by
the edges to avoid pixel damage.
2. Soak in a luke warm soapy solution for 5-10 minutes. Do not rub or
scrub or pixels may be shifted, resulting in serious disintegration of the
image.
3. Remove from bath and stand on edge to dry. Under no circumstance
attempt to dry with a rag or lens tissue and never subject to
blow-drying or permanent damage may result. If more than 5% of the pixels
have seen lost, replace icon with a new one.
4. Carefully replace cleaned icon in monitor, taking special care not to
touch the surface. Allow to set one hour before using.
If icons need to be exchanged from one computer to another they should be
transported only in specially prepared icon cases available at any
computer or electronic supply store.
Remember, icons are the heart and soul of the Windows environment and
should be treated accordingly.
_____________________________________________________________________________
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over
to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since
you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask
you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks,
"Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"
"Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on
coach, give him another chance!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of
$5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. So the man said,
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The
loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground
parking garage for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in
principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote
out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait, sir," the loan officer said. "While you were gone, I found out
that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow
$5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else in Manhattan could I park my Rolls-Royce
for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
_____________________________________________________________________________
Redneck Drivers License Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still
slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
_____________________________________________________________________________
There is this guy that continually gains weight and is very sick
and fat. He is always eating turkey right from the refrigerator.
It keeps making him sick and fatter but he can't stop. His friends
and family worry about him but he keeps on with his addiction.
Finally, after years of sickness, he stops and loses a lot of
weight and looks great. His friends ask him how he did it.
He says, ..."I quit cold turkey." (By Ed Hexler)
_____________________________________________________________________________
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because
men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to
see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat
wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be
able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put
his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to
blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched
His head and said, "I can do better than that.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Famous Last Words
* This will be a short meeting
* You can put it together yourself in five minutes
* One slice of pizza won't blow my diet
* You'll housebreak him in no time at all
* They'll feel terrific once you break them in
* We've been in business for 30 years, we're not going anywhere
* When it sez "empty" there's always a gallon or two left
* If you knew anything at all, you wouldn't be a Traffic Cop
* You can make it -- that truck isn't coming all that fast
* Of course bring the kids
* That's not poison oak
* I don't burn, I tan
* Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you
* Your table will be ready in 5 minutes
* Of course they're mushrooms, toadstools come to a point
* No trouble at all, don't give it a second thought
* We service what we sell
* Believe me, nobody's dressing up
____________________________________________________________________________
Great Computer Tip!
This is what you need to do to straighten out your computer.
Take the mouse thingy and click on the whosit,
then scroll down to the third thingamagig.
Highlight it and copy and paste to the whatchamacallit.
It will take you to the gizmo.
You can then see what you want to install.
And remember, if it doesn't work for you,
you can go back to the setup,
and un-install the gizmo by reversing the setup
thru the highlight and paste method.
this works for me every time!
____________________________________________________________________________
SAN FRANCISCO MATH QUIZ
1. Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment
ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they
walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend
discussing their relationship in public?
2. Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If
his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but
Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will
it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe
every 2 minutes?
3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis
on any given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev
will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
4. Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a
20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much
should Nicole write the check for?
5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats
infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a
candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are
tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first
two socks drawn will be socks of color?
7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every
morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is
George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?
8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle
plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one
polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly
plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic
bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?
9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds,
and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it
take five vegans to not eat them?
10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his
wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs
did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other
end and met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only:
11. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom
apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one
bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN
lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon
in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three
months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option:
a. All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun
monitors at Mission High.
b. Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual
digital-artists-of-color stipend.
c. Rent strike
_____________________________________________________________________________
Cookies, Anyone?
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.
They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items
left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with
a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate
agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In few minutes,
this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:
"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return
to the gate?"
_____________________________________________________________________________
Words That Shouyld Be In The Dictionary
Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom
at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit
you're eating.
Decaflon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
you come at them rapidly.
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been
abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed.
Hence faunacatering (n.), which has made a meal of many species.
Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where arts companies without
funding dwell.
Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to
visit.
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you
from drifting off to sleep.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Not So Exact Quotations .... from RWholb1
~ Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
~ Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later,
you'll inhale a bee.
~ Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.
~ If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another
road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
~ If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets
the message across like a good mooning.
~ When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
~ A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That
way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run
your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
_____________________________________________________________________________
One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning
over the kitchen sink and crying.
He said, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She said between sniffles, "I ... I dropped the ice cubes on the floor,
and then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."
_____________________________________________________________________________
A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a
large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people
chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a
knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy
some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out
of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old
people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
_____________________________________________________________________________
--
Bro Tyler Nally
<tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org> <tn@higherfire.org>
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