One liners

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 I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 
   
 Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disc? 
   
 The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 
   
 I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 
   
 I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 
   
 I intend to live forever, so far so good. 
   
 Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
   
 Eagles may soar, but groundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines. 
   
 The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
   
 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
   
 Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb! 
   
 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 
   
 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 
   
 If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
 overlooked something. 
   
 When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. 
   
 Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 
   
 What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 
   
 Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. 
   
 Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. 
   
 How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink? 
   
 Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 
   
 Why do psychics have to ask your name? 
   
 For sale: Parachute.  Only used once, never opened, small stain. 
   
 It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
   
 The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're
 in the bathroom. 
   
 If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them
 on my knees. 
   
 If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing a seat belt. 
   
 Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 
   
 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 
   
 It's hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. 
   
 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.